This is the first in a series of essays on the death of the "it" paradigm and the birth of something better.
There is a current world paradigm that, while in some ways seems to be spreading, in other more powerful ways is definitely on the wane. I call it "it". The "it" paradigm is based on force--forcing oneself or others. For example, war is part of the "it" paradigm, but "it" also shows up in many small ways.
I want to share one of the small ways I am noticing "it" in my life lately--it is in the conversational battle strategy of "interrupting."
I have been aware of conversational interrupting as a domination technique for a long time. I noticed it first predominantly as a technique used by many men. Then I began to notice it as a technique used by women who were trying to join in the patriarchal paradigm--male wannabees. The patriarchal paradigm is extant world wide and is subscribed to and co-created by men and women equally. It has been around for many thousands of years--but once was not. In fact for most of the 2 million years of human history we had another more feminine paradigm. But that's another story.
As women have tried to become "more" within this paradigm they have envisioned that "more" as having, doing and being more like men. They think of that as "being equal"--and they want that. Few have envisioned a very different paradigm in which the genders are not equal, but quite different. They have different roles and abilities which are held within each other. Both are needed, but in right relationship.
So now I am thinking of a woman lawyer I had meeting with once many years ago. She was young, energetic and very forceful....and she continually interrupted. I finally interrupted her and pointed out what she was doing and that I didn't like it. I told her she seemed to be assuming that she knew what I was going to say next--and jumped there ahead of me--and was usually wrong. I told her I was not garrulous and could come to my point quickly, but I would appreciate it if she would give me the courtesy of allowing me to complete my thoughst. She looked genuinely shocked...and she stopped interrupting and began listening more attentively. It felt very much better. Doctors are perhaps even more notorious for interrupting than are lawyers.
That was the first time I had ever stood up for myself in regards to being interrupted. Later on I tried it with men. Usually I would be in conversation with some woman in one room, when a man would walk in and immediately begin talking--interrupting our conversation as if it were not at all important and whatever he had to say was, of course, extremely importantly. Ordinarily when this happens both women stop talking and give him their attention as if he had the right to it--which he believes strongly. However, I began to not allow this. I would interrupt him and say something like--"Louise and I were in the middle of a conversation; could you please wait until we are done." He would be shocked and she would usually be shocked as well but usually pleased.
However, just recently I was talking with a woman and was sharing something very significant to me...and that I thought was to her as well since she had expressed it so well in her art...but a man walked over and started talking to her--interrupting what I was saying at a crucial moment. I interrupted back and said we were talking and would he wait please. He looked shocked. She looked unruffled, turned her attention to him and ignored me. I got up and left.
Later I realized that it was her way of saying no to hearing something that was "too much" for her. People send various signals when they are beginning to hear something they are not ready for. Their cell phone might ring, or their attention wanders, they yawn...or they call someone in (telepathically and subconsciously) to interrupt the conversation. So I am learning a balance between not allowing force to be used on me and not forcing a subject on others that they are not ready for. So interrupting can mean a couple of different things. It can be invited as "victim" or as a statement of preference.
Interrupting happens in other relationships as well--dominance still being an issue though. I have observed some parents correcting their children about interrupting them, but then they constantly interrupt their child, without apology.
Some people do talk too much and when I find myself getting bored by someone who is dominating a conversation I usually just walk away. But occasionally I ask them if they realize they are talking without allowing my response--or with interrupting and ignoring my attempted response. But more and more I am learning to allow everything. If people are wanting to dominate me by interrupting when the conversational ball is in my court, then I just allow it, but stop looking at them. But if they still don't get it-- that they have lost my interest--I just walk away.
"it" can only exist if we feed it and by not allowing force during conversation we will be starving it out and creating space for something better. The "better," in terms of conversation will be a sort of inner listening while at the same time listening to the other person. By inner listening I mean, I am listening, not to my own thoughts, but to my feelings. I stay aware of my feelings as I listen attentively.
Many people listen to another for a moment and as soon as they hear something that reminds them of something in their life, they free associate to that, interrupt and tell their story. That's not "better." By "better" I mean a type of conversation that includes Inner Listening on both people's parts. This sort becomes a lovely game or dance. It becomes a source of new valuable information for both. Both are actually dancing with their Inner Being, even as they dance with each other.
Thus when we have starved out the "it paradigm" from existence, conversation will be vastly more enjoyable as each one instinctively knows what to say next--a statement? a question? an anecdote? and they will know exactly how long to talk and when it is time for silence or for the other person to speak. Musically speaking its the difference between chaotic combative dissonance and harmonious inspiration.
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