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HEARING VOICES



8/10/2012

HVHearing Voices Introduction:


 There has been a spiritual drama taking place within myself since 2006. It involves what is commonly called "Hearing Voices." Sometimes this is a symptom of Schizophrenia, but not in all cases. It is more like what the Catholic Church and many indigenous cultures call "demon possession." But that is not accurate either. In any case, I have been thoroughly tested for schizophrenia and I do not have that.  I  did try several medications designed for that illness and they did not help. I also tried the Catholic Church's solutions  and they did not work. I have tried Shamanic healing and that did not help.

So I have fallen back on my own solution--which is to consider it just another spiritual challenge--like all problems are. That approach has brought me much relief and spiritual progress as well.

I know many people suffer with this challenge and are looking for answers and so I share my efforts at coping with this, openly and honestly. We all have bits and pieces of the answer and if we share them freely with each other, we will eventually see all of the  puzzle pieces fall into place.

Peace and Blessings
Brenda Nelson

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HV: Dramatis Personae


This is a cast of spiritual characters in the on-going TRUE spiritual drama of my dream life and waking life. Some feel like aspects of myself and others feel more distant. But ultimately we are ALL one with every other consciousness in existence--and everything is conscious. 

There are many more beings exerting influence on the normal individual than modern psychology has identified. The evolved ones respect a strict code of spiritual ethics about that influence. The un-evolved ones--who provide "contrast" for us--disdain that code, and yet are bound by a deeper code I call The State of Grace (SOG). We are always in a State of Grace and we live in a safe and loving Universe. Individual consciousnesses are constantly protected by this golden SOG. net--no matter how much so-called "evil" is directed against them.

The other "HV" posts will not make sense unless you have a grasp of who these beings are: V--a demon; ES--my Entity Self; Esther--my old dream-producer; Esther II a more recent dream-producer; Star--an evolved entity; ES's various friends; The Sisters and The Great Mother.

Bios of the Cast

V is short hand for "voice."
     This is my name for the demonic being who attached himself to my psyche in 2005-6. I have been thoroughly tested for schizophrenia and no one has labeled me that. I am quite sane.  However, the label they did give was as having "auditory hallucinations." But simpler, less intellectual, less left brained cultures know the reality of demons. This is a real being who is neither "auditory" nor an hallucinatory. I hear his thoughts in my mind. These beings are like rogue consciousnesses that scan the psychological universe looking for beings to wreak havoc with. OR--more accurately--to provide a sizable spiritual challenge by which to grow. Esther and ES seem to have a difference of opinion about V's importance and impact in my life--and even the basic nature of him. Esther thinks he is, for all intents and purposes, bad
     But she has occasionally shown that he could evolve spiritually if he wanted.  ES's attitude towards V is... "Oh don't worry about him!" And he is unconditionally loving towards him, although is not shy about showing occasional anger or impatience with him as he persists in out-staying his welcome. V has some positive characteristics which ES likes to focus on, but without being in denial about V's negative side. I try to do the same with V. When Esther first showed me how she saw V, I was profoundly revolted and frightened. And he is capable of the most sophisticated tricks and "mind fuck." But I take him with a grain of salt now. I know the limits of his power and he is mostly just annoying. I am learning to ignore him, and to even work with him. I have learned to "pare this situation down" as Seth encourages. Seth wrote many wise books through Jane Roberts.

ES--My Entity Self or ES. 
     Everyone has one of these and they are variously known as Over Soul, Higher Self, Essential Self and is sometimes mistaken for God. This is the being who resides within one and whom one resides within. They are non-physical beings of pure consciousness and love...and mine has a great sense of humor as well! These are beings who enjoy splitting off parts of themselves, almost as if "giving birth to children" who  reincarnate on the Earth Plane of existence in numerous lifetimes of all types. Mine gave birth to me. This being is the parent of all of our so-called "past" lives and future lives. He is us-- yet not us. 
     Paradox is the name of the game in our left brained interpretation of our true reality. I have come to dearly love my ES who feeds me the most comforting wisdom and unconditional love. He is somehow "brown" in nature and constantly brings my attention back to the "brown" sea of well-being that we all--everyone in the universe--rides on--exists within. He is extremely supportive. He speaks to me in blocks of thought that I perceive in very subtle ways. He also sends me magic and miracles!

Esther--my old dream-producer. Everyone has a being who produces their nightly dreams--and yes--everyone dreams. Some say the dream producer is the soul, which is what I used to believe. But I have a different impression of her now. I call mine Esther , but  I experience her as a group--a gestalt of consciousnesses who work together. Or she may be one being with several aspects--just like we are. She was the one who first informed me emphatically, through the most horrible, disgusting and terrifying dreams, that I had a demon on board who had been masquerading as my guide. Some of her productions feel very helpful. Yet others feel ...how should I say..."snarky." I have come to believe that someone in the group does not like me much.
     A few months ago I asked her directly to tell me who she was--my soul or what? She sent me a very explicit answer in a dream that said she was like a "legal" consultant--I assume on the Law of Attraction. She shows me, in preview, what certain repeated thoughts of mine are calling into being in my daily life. However, I think that Esther I slipped over an ethical boundary and began to impose her own agenda on me. My ES did not like her agenda and they had a big fight. 

Esther II--my more recent dream-producing team? Or has Esther simply taken a new, more allowing, tack with me? I am not sure, but the battle mentioned above may be continuing with this new? dream team.

The Sisters--this is a group consciousness as well, and is closely related to Esther, but is higher, more unconditionally loving and positive. She is compassion personified. She lives in a world of white/gold/yellow light, and helps to guide me in my daily life by sending me knowledge of the right thing to do at the right time. She also has shown me, and V some startling realities--like the amazing beauty of truth! One time she also received V--or some level of his consciousness-- into her world, and bathed him in compassion. She is amazingly beautiful and has shown me my own beauty and lovableness as well as well.

Star--a highly evolved aspect of myself.  I am not sure, but she may be more highly evolved than my ES. She made a powerful entrance into my awareness in mid 2012 and stayed for part of a day. She did some amazing art through me that day. Since then I have only felt her influence strongly a few times. However, I often "feel her around". She is very feminine, child-like, pure, sweet, unconditionally loving and extremely vulnerable. Paradoxically, she is also very powerful. She epitomizes the phrase--innocent power-- which is something all children have. She also is very close to thoroughly and viscerally knowing the amazing Oneness that The Great Mother is.

The Great Mother--The Author of the Universe I have been shown in my dreams that the deepest part of ourselves is feminine. And that is true for both males and females and gender neutral beings. At this deep level, The Feminine is more like a place than a gender.

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FROM THIS POINT ON IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU BEGIN AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE AND READ UP--THAT IS THE CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER  OF THE POSTS.
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HV: THINGS HAVE BEEN EVOLVING  4/22/12


This blog is mainly about my internal life--my relationship with the higher beings or entities with whom I am in communication. As always--please reference the list of Dramatis Personae at the right to understand who I am dealing with.

I haven't posted for a while. I have been busy with my other blogs. See the side bar for links to these. I have also become much more outer directed in my life.

I still meditate every day and spend many hours in bed connecting with the higher beings who people my universe. I usually sleep for about 3 hours then spend a few more hours in communication with them, then go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

My relationship with ES
is intensifying. We are merging more and more and he is demonstrating his abilities more and more in y life. I have become much more assertive as we are melding. I care much less about what others think of me--while at the same time I care even more about other people's well-being.

Whenever I invite him in he intensifies whatever I am doing--conversing, painting, playing the piano, facilitating  a meeting, enjoying nature.

My body is becoming healthier and stronger. I have roses in my cheeks now. I can run up stairs I used to struggle up.  I fit much more into my day and my money goes further!

More and more of the things I desire have been manifesting in my life--more and more easily.

My relationship with Esther 
is changing. I am still have a great deal of trouble understanding exactly what she wants of me. My dreams are all over the map. I keep a dream journal and for quite a while I kept days notes as well and tried to correlate the dreams with whatever I had done or what had happened during the previous day. But I could not link them.

It is hard to believe, but I really think that that is is a group of consciousness who have formed a gestalt to give me feed back on my life and also to try and lead me in some direction of spiritual growth that they feel is of great importance for  me.

Some times their message is so harsh though that I wake up with my heart racing and my breathing accelerated. I know I have been visiting them--even beyond our regular dream reality. And my feeling is that they have been very hard on me--telling me I can and should do more. I feel criticized and terrorized. Threatened.

More and more this has simply been making me angry and causing me to turn away from them--or at least the harsh ones. I am less and less patient with any abuse from any one. I just don;t take it any more and I feel that my ES is supportive of that.

A couple of times he has shown me hypnogogic images that indicated that he was not in agreement with Esther--and that in g=fact they strongly disagreed about me. I always feel much more drawn to him. He is always loving and patient and "allowing." he is much more realistic abut what I am capable of, I believe. Esther--or a couple of the members of the Esther group are unreasonable in their expectations I feel. I suppose I won;t really know what is going on until I pass over.

Other member of the Esther group feel quite loving and reassuring. They send me wonderful dreams that encourage me not to be too hard on myself.

The truth is--we create our own reality anywhere in the Universe--everyone does. In other words the La of Attraction is at work everywhere. So, I being hard on myself at times allows that law to send me reflections of that in the "other" beings I encounter. Hence Esther and her "Mother Superior" exacting demands that are beyond my ability to comply with.

So I am not trying any where near as hard any more.

In fact after the most recent drubbing the other day--when I ended up with chest pain for days--I decided to just not give that aspect of Esther credence any more. If it feels like abuse, it is abuse. And the only way to stop it is to go within and to stop abusing myself with perfectionist self expectations.

My relationship with V
is changing too. He is fading into the back ground a bit. I am not at all afraid of him any more--although I am perhaps more impatient with him. He needs to go along to his own realm of spiritual development. He seems to be beginning to actual entertain the thought seriously that being a demon is all he is.

His ES is inviting him to meld with him more and more. And V IS often helpful. He often plays a positive role in my life in many ways. And when he is in a bad mood and has slipped into his "demon self" aspect, I just use his behavior as a spring board to project myself higher into the realms above me where  my ES, the Sisters and The Great Mother live.

More on that beautiful white realm next time. I highly recommend visiting that realm regularly. It is very empowering!

Peace, Love and Blessings
Brenda
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MORE MAGIC 11/23/11

Last evening I was watching NOVA's "The Fabric of the Universe" series and was feeling frustrated. So much of what the physicists are looking for and feeling cutting edge about is already known by the general public they are trying to educate.

Like many others I first learned about the true nature of the Universe from Seth, a non-physical entity who wrote books through a woman named Jane Roberts, who began channeling him in the 60's. He had scientists visiting him back then and I suppose many of them incorporated his revelations into their own work without giving him credit--which also makes me mad.

In any case, I decided to write to one of the physicists they interviewed in the  PBS/NOVA piece. As I was just about done I noticed that my other computer, off to my side, had turned itself on! And there, floating across the screen were the most beautiful Hubble-like images of the Universe! Stars, galaxies, planets-- the whole solar system. It all floated past my amazed eyes. They were beautiful. I later discovered that it was  a screen saver that came installed on my 2001 Mac computer--but in all the years I have owned and used it I had never accessed it before. And I was not attempting to access any screen saver at the time. Besides that it would have been difficult if not impossible to "accidentally" trigger it. It is buried down some pathways that would take deliberate effort to maneuver through. So I call that Magic.

I believe that my ES had done it as a confirmation that I was on the right track in attempting to contact the scientists and share what these higher beings are teaching me. He and Esther have told me a few times in dreams and visions that I am meant to be a messenger for them. They want every one to understand the basic  nature of reality. They have given me a good metaphysical grasp of it. Currently most (but not all) scientists seem to have a prejudice against metaphysics--or "received" knowledge. Scientists tend to use only the left hemisphere of their brain, which houses the intellect. It is the tool of the ego and is very slow and painstaking. However, in the New Age that we are moving into, I believe it is our challenge to allow our brains to evolve by expanding more into the right hemisphere. It is from this part of mind that we have "received knowledge" or the sudden knowingness that is so pure, we have no need to question it. This knowingness comes from higher aspects of ourselves.

We are each like a huge V, the point of which lies in the smallest sense of ourselves--that is our intellect and our personal self. It is a valuable aspect, but we are being invited to know the parts of ourselves that expand above that point--all the way up to our God-Self!

One could think of right brain "knowingness" like the way a really fast computer search engine retrieves data. And the way science gains knowledge is by going to many libraries, reading peer reviewed journals, and books, doing endless laboratory work and calculations and basically re-inventing the wheel.

The wheel already exists. All knowledge about the Universe already exists and is accessible to anyone who wants to take the trouble to learn to meditate--or watch their dreams and to ask sincere questions abut it. It will drop in like a flash. The person will simply KNOW the answer to what they asked.

We don't need PhD's and post PhD's or genius level IQ's or huge grants from universities. We--everyone-- have all the knowledge of the UNIVERSE at our finger tips--through the right hemisphere of the brain.

But that part of brain and the mind allows to function through it is so much more than just super intelligent. It also holds our ability to be incredibly happier than we are now. One of the happiest things it can do is  to allow us--the ego self--to experience the world through the auspices of our Entity Self--or even beings higher than that.

When I am channeling my ES I experience the most delicious feeling tones. They are similar to your best dream feelings. They add immeasurably to the sheer pleasure of living. Money cannot buy it. But it is what we hope money will buy for us. The new car, home, the vacation in Tahiti, the booze the drugs , the gourmet food--none of it produces enjoyment as intense and wonderful as connecting with our ES and experiencing our world through his eyes and emotions. (mine is a he, but your may be a she.)

At other times I have felt God living directly through me--looking out through my eyes--and the joy was amazing! I felt love for everything. I saw the beauty of everything and I went around singing joyfully all day long. People thought I was crazy. I know that this is my future continuous state--but for now it is just something I experience occasionally.

A simple book on meditation can teach you how to meditate, and eventually you will begin to experience this too.

  You are GOD!

... and you know all about yourself--although your conscious mind may need a little help to access that knowingness.

So anyways--the magic that ES did--in creating the wonderful "screen saver" images of the Universe on my computer, was impressive. When the computer went into "rest" mode and I turned it back on, the images had disappeared...and have not returned since. [until recently--again, by themselves 4/21/12]

So it was meant to under line what I was doing at the time--writing to physicists about metaphysical truth. It is time we worked together so everyone--even those who think the scientists know more than really do--  can have this knowledge now.

Big changes are in store for the earth in the form of weather intensification,  geological up-heaval and socio-political upheaval. It will be much easier to handle if one understands the larger picture--which a friendly collaboration between metaphysicians like myself and physicists and other scientists can provide.

I will be talking about how to do this in later posts on this website and my other--http://www.vesicapiscis.info. But the best way to begin to prepare so that one is not frightened and so that one is actually safe, is by meditating and by expecting to find great positive opportunities in whatever comes.

ES says to add, "Stop working so hard and enjoy life more. Money will come to you more easily. Having any amount of faith--even as tiny as a  mustard seed  will be enough. We live in a safe and loving universe always."

Allowingly,
Brenda

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HV: THINGS SHIFTING WITH V 11/20/11



This past week V has become more honest--perhaps. He is allowing his mean side out. He has a split personality as I have mentioned before. One is helpful and funny  ; and the other is just plain mean and annoying and sometimes a bit scary--but less and less so. My ES tells me, "Oh don't let V bother you." Just shrug him off and stay focused on being "clean and clear." C&C is my way of affirming that V is not a problem--a positive way.

Abraham tells us to stay ofcused on what we want--not what we don;t want. I like that. So I focus on feeling clear and clean or "free," and by doing that I am aliging with my ES and attracting more of it. I do it especially when V is his most threatening and spooky. I just send my imagination back over all of the wonderful ways my ES has presented himself to me--all very loving and reassurin and by remembering them I begin to feel them and V's antics just dissolve.

So in another way this week V seems to have gone backwards. He has been less in the aspect of himself that I prefer. But, I accept both sides of him and at the same time I am knowing more and more that he is not my business. I need to ignore him as much as possible. Allow him,. allow my noticing him--and ignore him. It is a paradox--like so much of Goddess Spirituality.

Also, this week my dreams have been more positive--or not remembered. Not sure why. Maybe they like that I am moving ahead steadily on my book about Steve Jobs and Cancer. I call it  The Vesica Piscis Method: The Cancer Cure that Steve Jobs Missed. I have an intro and five chapters in the can.Tey still need revising--which I ave done a great deal of--but they need a bit more.

So that's it for this week. More on my other website--
http:///www.VesicaPiscis.info

Allowingly,
Brenda

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HV: MAGIC IS AFOOT  11/6/11




I had the most wonderful thing happen yesterday. I was at the mall ( a place I rarely go) with my family-- my daughter Heather, granddaughter Sid, my grandson Paden and his friend Jake. We found some great stuff for Sid's bedroom makeover--which is the Christmas present Heather and I are giving to her.

Several nice things happened to me on this shopping trip that is proving to me that my connection with ES and the Sisters is improving--and that things are going better with V.

In order for the magic to make sense to you, I have to preface my remarks by saying that I am a student of Abraham--the Entity Self (ES) of Esther Hicks. He has channeled many books through her and they have hit the NY times best seller list. In one of them, Ask and It Is Given, Abe gives 22 exercises for raising one's vibration and getting more of what one wants out of life.

I selected a few of exercises to do regularly and will speak of one of them here--one that appealed to me in particular and that I used on this shopping trip.

It is called the Universal Manager. In it you are supposed to imagine that you are the CEO of a vast company or organization and that there is a manager of that company who is all-powerful. He/she has vast minions at their disposal and together they can and will bring you anything you ask for. All you have to do is allow it.

One allows things by kowng it is yours right now, and by, as seldom as possible, not speaking or thinking of the opposite of what you want. If you want abundance, never mention or even feel "I can't have that." or "These bills are overwhelming." There is a learning curve to it, but believe me, even a small effort to increase belief that you can be, have do anything you want--plus--decreasing negative thoughts, helps. Keep stretching in that direction.

So I have been playing with this and combining it with my ever increasing sense of channeling my own ES and SIS (see list of dramatis personae above) and their power for  several months now. To do the latter I simply send my awareness up high and spread it out wide--like into the vastness of space. I allow myself to become vast, wthin ES and The Sisters. I imagine them living through me--looking out through my eyes.

I have had some miracles happen before using this technique, but just now I am only going to refer to two that happened just in the past few days.

So back to the mall and my family. I was in Claire's with the Sid and Heather and the boys were off getting T shirts painted. I got a little bored, so I wandered out of there by myself to another store next door, but after a while, suddenly I felt like leaving there. So I walked out and there was my daughter just walking out of Claire's. So that was a small synchronicity, but it proved to me that my request o the UNiversal Manager (UM) that I "always be in the right place at the right time" is working!

A few other small pleasant  things had  happened earlier in the day, by using this technique,  and things in general were going well. So I was feeling "up." If I ever find myself feeling down, I know I am somehow mis-creating. I allow the negative feelings and release on them ASAP. Replace them with positive thoughts and happier emotions--or emotions with higher vibrations. Eg. feeling anger is an improvement over feeling depressed. Joy is your ultimate goal, but small steps towards that are good.

So Heather and I gathered up the kids and went to The Olive Garden for dinner. and this was where the real magic happened.

We walked in and there was a huge crowd--25-30 people--in the lobby waiting for tables. We made our way to the hostess's station and were told that it would be an hour wait. We put our name on the list and decided to go to a nearby sports store for the interim--which didn't appeal to me.

I thought to myself, "I really want a table right now. I don't want to leave here." So while my daughter went to the ladies' and the kids went to the car I slipped into a vast state of consciousness and imagined a oneness with my ES and SIS. Then I made my request... "Allowing Universal manager, I want to have a table for my family right here , right now." And then I imagined him/her instantly pulling everything together for that to happen. My job was to totally allow that it could happen and was happening right then--that a table was coming to me.

With that I suddenly felt an impulse to look around, and lo and behold there was a an empty table, with fresh place settings, quite nearby--but in the bar area and not in one of the regular dining rooms.

Remarkably, I actually hesitated a moment--"that couldn't be it--could it?"  I thought. But then V popped into my head and said "ASK!". So I took a chance and said to the hostess--the one who had just told me there would be an hour wait-- "Is that table over there available?" and to my shock she said, "Oh that one--sure, but you'd better hustle over and grab it." My hair stood on end and I was frozen for a moment...then I came to and dashed over to the table, grabbed a couple more chairs and spread my stuff all over them. WE HAD A TABLE!


Then, I ran to the bathroom; told my daughter the good news; went back to the table and  called my grandson who was out in the car with Sid and Jake. "Hey, get back in here, I did a magic and got us a table!" I yelled into the phone. As I realized I was talking quite loudly I glanced up... right into the eyes of a man who had apparently watched the whole thing unfold. He had heard everything I had said to Paden and he was smiling at me! His look clearly said, "Yes, you really did do magic and I know how you did it and I am jealous as hell I didn't do it myself." But it was truly a very friendly and impressed look he was giving me.

So the timing was perfect for this to happen--as I had just given my granddaughter the first book in the  "Sarah Series" by Abraham and Hicks--a children's book about how to use the Law of Attraction. I literally had just handed it to her when they had picked me up earlier. And even though I had suggested that she wait to open it until she had gotten in bed that evening, she had just that minute opened it in the car and had started to read it!

So anyways, when we all got seated around the table I could see that they were all very happy and somewhat impressed at my magical display--but I felt like they still didn't quite fully appreciate how I had done it--and I really wanted them to "get it" so they could all start using it too. So I told Sid again that the book would teach her all about how to do what I had just done--and how to have, do, be anything she wanted. My daughter looked a little dubious about the book, so I explained that this boook was by the same author as the one who had written "The Vortex: How to use The Law of Attraction for Cooperative Relationships." I had given her (and my son) that book several months ago. But I could tell by her rather vague response that she hadn't read it--but then she never reads anything--too busy!

This is how the old paradigm retains control over us--by making us to busy dealing with the trees to read a book that shows us the forest-=-and how to get out of it. But we have all allowed the old paradigm that control and we can take it back ny time we have had enough--like "OCCUPY MIND-STREET!"

So I emphasized that this event of getting the table was not an isolated incident in my life these days. And I told another story about a magical adventure in Wal Mart a few days ago.


I was in the store looking around and really appreciating it and the employees and picking out lots of great stuff. (Rampages of apprecitation really help raise your vibration and bring you stuff you want.) When I was done I pushed my cart up to the front and discovered that while many lines were open--they all had very long lines. I knew my ride was waiting for me and possibly getting impatient, so I, put my consciousness up high and vast, and said to my Universal Manager, "Yo! I need a totally open register--no line--right now!" And I allowed myself to totally believe I could have it.

The next thing I knew I was feeling an impulse to walk through an empty register lane, and when I came out the other side, there was THE store manager walking towards me! I stopped him and asked him if he could open more lanes, and he said yes. He found a clerk and she opened a new register --just for me!

So this magic does WORK! But it sometimes seems to require keeping an open mind and allowing everything. Most of all it requires totally allowing/knowing that you truly can have everything you want, every minute of the day.

And the bonus is that in the process you learn to connect with your ES -- who brings you so much more than just stuff--he/she brings an ability to feel the most wonderful feelings  of appreciation/perception about everything.  I just imagine him looking out through my eyes and when I do, I see everything as being much more beautiful and interesting. He lends "feeling tones" to these perception-events that are just delicious! I know when I was a child and still very connected to him that I had them very often. I remember them. And when I really get into an art project as an adult, ES is there-- and the feeling tones show up as well--sometimes for days after one good art session of a couple of hours.


So now I understand that it is not so much the activity that I am doing--although he seems to prefer right brained activities that relate to --  nature,  art,  music, dance, swimming, skating,  skiing, making love, appreciating beauty, looking into babies' faces etc. He is right there any time we feel blissed out. And we could feel blissed out all the time, because everything happens better and feels better with your ES!

Allowingly, Brenda

PS. The kicker is that V wants me to add that he is finally "coming along" to spiritual enlightenment and his own ES--something he has resisted for eons, he says.

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HV: THE PAST WEEK  11/2/11

I haven't written in this blog for a week, but in reviewing my dream journal I saw that it was full of warnings from Esther about V and also one dream in which she implied that everyone was in denial about huge social and natural changes coming--dramatic, potentially traumatic ones--big "Winds of Change."

It is good that she is not bludgeoning me with the disgusting/friughtening images of V any more. When she does that I just wake up feeling yucky for hours--if not all day. In other words, I, during the day am negative creating exactly what she is warning me about!

So I am taking ES's advice--which he shot me in answer to my question about the validity of Esther's warnings and her adjuration that I become more masculine--he sent me an image of a lacy feminine slip with a sock stuck to it by static cling. I took this to mean that I should stay with my natural bent--that is to be predominantly feminine and to just allow a touch of the masculine/practical.

He is, in essence, the masculine for me. And I am pulling him into my being more and more. I am becoming more masculine--just by surrendering to him and inviting him to meld with me. I believe that this is the essence we are all after. I think that sex and marriage is a distant approximation of--symbol of-- the prime ONENESS--that of  becoming one with one's Entity Self.

For me, he is masculine--but I wonder if other ESs on that level of reality, other people's ES's, are feminine for men who have pursued this same path and masculine for women? Let me know if you have experience with this; tell me if your ES is masculine or Feminine.

I know that many people, when they become truly spiritual no longer feel attracted to others sexually. Their ES is all they want. So anyways, by the end of the week I was feeling like I had become too acquiescent towards V. I was allowing him to influence me too much. I had to agree with Esther, and so yesterday I implemented new efforts to stay more centered in ES, The Sisters and The Great Mother and to limit V's fast and loose advice about everything--especially spending money.

By the way I had a weird revelation--a funny one--that my difficulties with Esther and V kind of parallel my occassional IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). In other words I experience both constipation and diarrhea at times. V is like diarrhea--I am too loose when I listen to him. And Esther is like constipation--I am too hard and restricting when I listen completely to her!

So anyways, back to my day yesterday and my afforts to limit V. It worked! I went to WalMart to do a bunch of errends. (I have no problem with WalMart BTW--in fact I love that store--feel great gratitude that it is there to stretch my dollars until I can learn to manifest more.) So I was at Walmart and I implemented Abraham's (see Hicks at Amazon.com) exercise called, The Universal Manager who has every resource at his fingertps. I called on him to manifest a checkout register with no-one in it but me. I called in ES and the Sisters too. Together they delivered exactly what I asked for--despite the fact that every open register had very long lines!

So by the end of the day I felt that I really had limited V's influence and increased the positive benevolent influences in my life. I am allowing V to help me to write--that is all though. ES did allow in a hypnogogic image that it was ok for V and I to collaborate on our writing.

Actually, there is one other area I am allowing V some influence in--and that is decorating--which Esther hates--too femme! Waste of time! But I love decorating; always have. I have done extreme makeovers on many of the dumps that I  lived in while raising my children alone. Transformed them into show-places! When I moved into my new home a year ago I wanted to decorate, but Esther kept saying no and I went along with her-- did what she demanded--just meditating 24/7 basically. But it was way too restrictive and finally just recently I have allowed myself to manifest all the decoratin I wanted. Had the painters here last week and now have a beautiful new lving room and bedroom--golden yellow!

Yellow is the color  I see inside of my stone friends when I meditate on them. I'll introduce you to my amazing relationship with stones tomorrow. And yellow is also the color of The Sisters. Denise Linn in her near-death experience also described the place of Oneness with God that she went to as being filled with the most glorious golden-yellow light. So that is what I am living in now--and it feels wonderful.


Allowingly, Brenda

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HV: I SAY NO TO DOOM AND GLOOM  10/22/11

I don't want to dis Esther—my dream producer—but last night I went to visit her again-- on the far side of dream reality. Now,  I want to accept responsibility for the fact that I allow everything in my life. But I have to admit that I almost feel hijacked when this type of "visit" happens with her. It has happened several times before and I have written about them in earlier posts.

What happens is, I go there; we communicate; I wake up here -- feeling just awful—like I had just received the most awful dressing down from her. As I awoke this morning I felt deeply ashamed, knowing I had been told that I had seriously dropped the ball and was messing things up not only for my self but also for  everyone too. Now if she would just tell me exactly what it is she is actually wanting me to do....

I have only received hints--some work as a "messenger" and working with children in a spiritual way. So I have begun work in those areas, as best I can, with so little to go on, but I am pretty sure she wants me to get rid of V first. I have no clue how to do that. She says meditate 24/7. I tried for months to do that--can't. It's that simple. And my dreams changed after I got that message and seem to allow for some kind of a more normal life, but still, among the things I included she apparently approved of some and not others. But I have had a helluva time trying to figure out which. 

So when I woke up Sat. morning I felt ashamed, hijacked, yet oddly enough...recommitted to her way as well!  I felt like I was begging her, " Esther, give me another chance. I'll try harder. I promise!" The other uncomfortable thing about it was that  I also felt powerfully influenced by her in that recommitment. Like it wasn't all my choice. It felt like she had some how infused her will into mine...like V does! V and Esther feel like two dark in the negative space under the tree's branches in this image.This is one form of the vesica piscis that has come to me in dreams and visions.

 The central ovoid shape and the two shapes at top and bottom, of a regular vesica piscis, are here filled with the shape of the tree. IN my dream and visions I see more roots of the tree. They are brown like my ES is brown. AS the eye flows up the trunk of the tree the brown becomes lighter until the lower branches are composed of a most beautiful golden yellow--the color of The Sisters.  The top most branches are brilliant white light which flows down the sides of the outer circle and under neath the roots of the tree. This white light is The Great Mother.

The two empty (dark) spaces beneath the branches of the tree feel like they are inhabited by Esther and V. Esther is on the left and V is on the right. They have many similarities and reflect spiritual issues to each other in my humble estimation.  Esther often (not always) feels like a dark goddess and V feels like a dark male demon--but both have a lot of light in them too. If there were golden leaves falling from the branches and drifting down into those two negative spaces, that would better depict my experience of Esther and V.


 



This cloak clasp, in the image of a  
"Tree Vesica Piscis,"
is very close to what I see in my visions.
Vesica Piscis cloak clasp



 This particular cloak clasp on the right is more typical of the Vesica Piscis shape as was ascribed to The Divine Feminine. I use this simpler form most often in my jewelry, flags and other products.

 If you click on the two images above a link will appear which will take you to a website where these pieces are for sale (not by me.)



When I try to explain this for my own enlightenment, I have to remind myself that we have different levels of consciousness and quite often we visit these other levels while we sleep.  When we return to our regular consciousness we have usually “forgotten” most of what we learned there -- at least forgotten in our conscious minds. So that's what happens to me. I forget what she is berating me about and when I wake up all I have left is a feeling of despair and a feeling of urgency that I need to DO something....but I have forgotten exactly what!

These are perceptions of a very real event and not the contrived or uncontrolled ravings of an unbalanced mind. I believe I am as sane (if not more sane) than the professionals who have tested me. I have done Ph.D. level work and I know from simple observation that all of my colleagues (students and teachers) have as many limitations as I do.

So for a couple of hours after I woke this morning, I laid in bed and tried to stay committed at least to her. And I waited for something to happen. But all that happened was that the feelings faded away.

I said to ES (my entity self. Read more in earlier posts) “ I need more information here. Is what Esther wants for me, what you want for me?” I feel very committed to him and The Sisters ( a Kuan Yin type of group being whom I LOVE—as I do ES. And it goes without saying that I also feel very committed to The Great Mother.) So the reply he gave me was the following...

...to send me up into the white light of the Great Mother! 
That is a  very loving positive place indeed!  
It is a place I keep returning to after the bad trips
I've taken with Esther (and V).

I am not clear if everyone in the Esther dream producer group is negative. I don't  think so. I've gotten many positive messages from her. But there seems to be at least one aspect of her that is very into gloom and doom. So I am learning to say to her—as author Louise Hay suggest—“Thanks for sharing, but I am going to just go back to positive thinking.”

I do think it is important to acknowledge and feel our negative emotions—but briefly. As soon as possible I like to reach for a happier belief and allow the more positive emotions to flow from that.

So ES was encouraging me to find my “Happy Place “ again—in the loving , healing white light of The Great Mother (God).

So I got up and out of bed feeling great! Feeling recommitted to ES and his “team” and recommitted to “allowing”  V (the invasive entity I somehow allowed into my psyche 6 years ago.)

My interactions with V have gone from sublime, to horrific  as I first thought he was an angelic guide and then  went on to realize that he was a “demon,”  and then finally to accepting that was just another being who has gotten terribly lost in a reality of his own creating. I believe we all create our own reality.

 It was only as  I began to work with my dreams and my Entity Self—and The Great Mother even more than I had already been , that I began to think of him as a blessing in my life, as friend, no matter what he did. Later on a division seemed to occur in which my ES and Esther seem to become more and more at odds with each other over how to deal with me.

They both were/are implying—and even stating—that I have some BIG  spiritual destiny—but disagree on the best way of my meeting that. With ES's help I have grown to bless the presence of V in my life, more and more, because his negative  presence—and sometimes even his positive words—have motivated me to grow spiritually. I believe that everyone is God in their core self. And because of that, if I look at every being and event in my life as a blessing and opportunity, then the God-ness at the bottom of every being  has an opportunity to percolate up through even the negative beings or events and to create positive change in my life.

TRULY—WE LIVE IN A SAFE AND LOVING UNIVERSE!

So that was how I was feeling when I got up and out of bed this morning.

I made my bed and walked over to a small table that is covered with a lovely
 golden  piece of soft  chamois. As I looked down at it to turn off the lamp that sat on it, I  received a “sign” that my positive attitude was the right one. For there “embossed “ into the  leather were two overlapping circles about 2” in diameter, each. What I SAW, was that they formed a very simple Vesica Piscis! I felt that The Great Mother, was sending me a sign to continue to have faith in her.  (The circles actually were made when I set my flashlight down on the leather—twice--leaving the two circles embossed from its weight.)

The Vesica Piscis is an ancient symbol of the Divine Feminine, The Goddess, The Reat Mother, and me. I have taken it as my own symbol. I believe that she is returning to the Earth Plane NOW! She is not just something cool to think about as a part of our ancient history. She is extant right now, and is growing in force as more and more people are asking for an end to suffering of all kinds—war, illness, political corruption, big business greed, religious corruption, child abuse, earth changes...etc. She is here now to teach us how to improve everything and to end all kinds of suffering.

IT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT OF LIFE TO SUFFER

But back to my revelations and to another positive sign I received that I was on the right track.
I went downstairs and turned on my computer to check my bank balance...and there was an extra $400 in my account! I had been expecting the money for weeks. It was very late. So it's showing up just now felt unusual. I knew it was a sign. I know that  the universe is conscious and intelligent
and everything is coordinated in the most extremely sophisticated way imaginable.

This was not a “co-incidence” in the usual sense of the word (suggesting that it had no meaning.) Finding the circles did coincide with my revelation that it was okay to let go of fear and to be positive.
So in that sense it was a coincidence. But it was also fecund with meaning.

I felt very rewarded for my recomitment to allowing V and to trusting ES, The Sisters and The Great Mother.

Allowing Everything,
Brenda


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HV: COMPASSION   10/18/11

 Goddess Kuan Yin


"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

  ~His Holiness The Dalai Lama 


"The Sisters",  my new group of guides, who live in this very loving yellow/gold light and who exude compassion remind me of Kuan Yin--the Hindu Goddess of Compassion. They also seem to "come from" the Pleides. Of course their version of that place and ours is very different. We see nothing of the stars but what our five senses can tell us. But by using our sixth sense, right brain, feminine mind we can glimpse more of the vast realities behind  what our senses can perceive.

One soft autumn night 20 years ago,  I was standing on top of a hill gazing up at the night sky,  when I noticed the Pleides, and suddenly was overwhelmed with a feeling of "HOME." It was incredibly intense and moving. I burst into tears of longing for a return to that place.

Another time, perhaps 40 years ago, I had a dream in which I was trying to get around a corner and kept falling over--(my dreams over the decades have suggested many times that I have difficulty with corners). But the even more moving part of the dream  was what followed--an image of a huge pale green ethereal  Kuan Yin who radiated the most intense power and love.

This image suggests what I saw in that dream. But an even better one is in an earlier post below.

Recipe for Healing the Planet
I believe that we are each the "god" of our own universe--everything we are aware of. And that because of this we can shape any reality we are aware of. So for the past week I have been focusing on healing Planet Earth and all her inhabitants seen and unseen. Here it is in iterated form, in case anyone wants to try it.

  1. I KNOW that I am a Divine Being with unlimited power and love.
  2. I send intense healing white light, shot with pink and blue to the whole earth.
  3. I put my consciousness as high as I can get it--up into the realm of The Sisters first and then on up even higher into the realm of The Great Mother--My Divine Self. 
  4. From there I send intense white light and love down to myself, down through my crown chakra and down into my heart where it feels like the same kind of love I felt for my babies when they were small--intense loving compassion and nurturance. 
  5. From there I send it out into my arms and down to my hands--which hold my "belly rock."* I project all the loving compassion I feel out throug my hands and into the planet,  while thinking the word "HEAL" intensely,
  6. I see it going into the rock , who acts like a powerful messenger --carrying the energy to the whole planet. I know this because the stone I hold is a fractal of the entire planet and is intimately connected with the whole of her. So anything I send into the rock goes to the entire planet and all of her inhabitants.
  7. I see the planet completely surrounded by intense white healing light. Then I add shades of pink for compassion and shades of blue for unconditional love.
  8. I KNOW--without a doubt-- that this works--that this IS healing the planet--because by knowing/allowing anything consistently enough and with enough emotion, we bring it (positive or negative) into reality.
What I have learned is that knowing is simply a choice and is not dependent on intellectual, so-called "rational" truth or "impirical" evidence. What we see around us in "reality" is simply the manifestations of everyone's enduring beliefs and emotions. It can be changed and does change all the time.

Our imaginations are incredibly powerful. What we imagine consistently, we get. The trick to using our imaginations in a more powerful and positive  way is to notice when we are imagining or believing the negative opposite--and to nip it in the bud. Replace it with the positive thing we desire. The place I get tripped up with this is when I am relaxing and chatting casually with another person, or perhaps getting excited about some stupidity or unfairness in the world. I slip back into old negative thinking and have to work hard to not play "ain't it awful" with my co-creator compadre.

Every thought we think, every word we speak--without exception, goes to create our reality. So the trick is to stay focused on what you want--increasingly all the time until you are consistently positive.

I do the above meditation to heal the planet every morning now--about 4 a.m. EST. Then I go through my day looking for evidence that supports the healing I  SAW in my meditation. I ignore anything to the contrary. (I seldom watch the news--although BBC news is more positive.)

So, I hope that you will join me in this. Every person that joins in this endeavors increses the power of it exponentially.

BTW--I also know this works because I have practiced hands on healing for decades and have seen miracles happen. However, I am careful these days not to impose it on anyone personally. We all choose our own difficult situatiuons for the purpose of working through them and garnering spiritual growth. So even though everyone who has cancer thinks they just want to get better, their deeper self, even more fervently, wants them to learn something from it.

When we die and join our eternal self, we cannot bring with us a healed physical body, but we can bring with us an expanded consciousness. That is what we hoped for when we came here. That is what we hope for in our essence every day we are alive, and that is what we celebrate when we arrive on the other side.

Allowingly, Brenda

_________________________________________________________________



HV: A NEW DAY  11/17/11  

The Dream
Last night--in a dream--I think Esther (my dream producer-group) admitted that my way is working--at least sort of.  I'll get back to exactly what it was near the end of this post. But first...

Back Story
I have been feeling torn between trying  her way of my getting to my spiritual goal and what the goal is, and my ES's way of getting to his spiritual goal for me and what that goal is. I have always felt much more in alignment with his. But it took me a long time to even realize that that he and some of Esther's aspects were not on the same page.

I feel like I have been in the crossfire of an epic battle for two years now-- not only between Esther and V (the invasive entity who has set up camp in my psyche) but between Esther and ES (and myself)--my Entity Self (over soul). The battle seems to be about three things:
  • my spiritual goal or goals
  • how to get there
  • and how to deal with V
Esther's goal seems to be something about working with children and maybe being a  spiritual messenger...and some even more important work? She is vague about the last.

 Her methods have varied a lot--from being very positive and supportive-- to an array of negative tactics, including:

  • terrorizing me with nightmares
  • telling me to leave behind my way of eating, my way of life, my culture, my reality, my personal desires 
  • using snarky sarcasm
  • setting goals beyond my ability
  • being mean spirited
  • taking my consciousness out even beyond the dream reality and giving me  a vicious dressing down several times
  • taking over my consciousness during the day
  • and portraying V as anything from a terrifyingly disgusting monster to a very sneaky personality who will never change.
I have come to believe that, because of the wide variety and conflicting nature of the dream messages that there is a wide variety of consciousnesses in my dream-producer-gestalt and that some are in conflict with others. Some definitely seem to support my ES, others have not--in the past.

My ES--and The Sisters ( a new group consciousness much like Kuan Yin)  seems to be very allowing of me. Whatever my goals are, they are willing to support them, with nudges towards a larger goal which ES hints at as also being "a messenger," or medium on a par with Esther HIcks who channels "Abraham."

My ES and the Sisters are positive virtually all of them time. They never put me down --or even V. They see him as being God at bottom--like everyone else. They have unconditional love for him. They give him pointers now and then for his spiritual growth--if he pesters them for it. ES has gotten angry at V a few times--but mostly he just allows him, supports me and even jokes with V.

Example's of Es's Powers and Humor

Example #1: One time I was working a 500 piece jig saw puzzle--something I like to do on the long winter evenings while listening to jazz on the radio. V was yammering away in my head and wanting to help, so I let him. He tried, but soon gave up. Then V suggested we invite ES to play.  So I called in--started deliberately channeling him--allowing him to BE through me. I/ES started working the puzzle, allowing ES to lead.  He directed my hand to the pieces he wanted to pick up and where to put them. Suddenly I found myself rapidly putting one piece after another into the perfect place--30 times in a row! 

He never misplaced a single piece he had me pick up. And all the while I was channeling him I could feel his wonderful sense of humor as he allowed himself to "show off." V and I were blown away!

Then, I went back to working the puzzle in my usual way--maybe one correct piece in 10 minutes--15 tries. V and I kind of  forgot that ES might still be around. V started flirting with me, suggesting we could have sex together. Suddenly ES was right back sparkling his eyes flirtatiously at V. V and I cracked up! Then V set ES straight--saying he was strictly hetero.

It feels wonderful to know that my ES is always there now--running just under the surface of my own life--willing to jump in when invited and also willing to  jump in uninvited when I am really in trouble and am overwhelmed.

The next night we worked on the puzzle again and I asked ES to take over. He did, but he looked pointedly at V and then started grabbing  pieces and trying to jam them--FORCE them--into the wrong spaces. It was a direct message to V, showing V what he was doing with me--with being in my life. He has forced his way in--or at least is forcedly remaining long after he could leave for some better life. (I allowed him in.) ES has shown him a few times that he can have an even better life on his own--not being a demon any longer-- but allowing his own Entity Self to live more through him.

ES-es apparently are extremely courteous and respectful of boundaries. They usually only come in when invited--and wait to be invted each time. At least that is my experience at thi point. I am hoping we will merge more and more.

Yesterday I discovered that ES is willing to help out with even small things. When I asked him to,  he instantly found my cell phone that I had been looking for for two days! Later, I dropped a very tiny gray nail onto a speckled gray carpet. I needed to find it to finish framing a painting. I got down on all fours and felt all around, fruitlessly, before asking him for help. He immediately directed my eyes to the corner of a box on the floor. There was the tiny nail partly under the corner! I would never have found it there on my own.

Back To The Dream
But getting back to my dream last night, in it I was playing a grand piano in front of a large audience and with a large orchestra. We were improvising and the orchestra was following me and we got a big ovation at the end, even though my performance was far from perfect--but better than I expected. What I was mostly amazed at--even in the dream--was that whole sections of the orchestra could improvise--on the same note! Like, all the violins were improvising in the exact same way, just a nano second behind where ever I went. I got some congratulations from people after the performance ended. They seemd to be saying, that was really good--not fabulous--but very good.

The feeling I got was that someone in my dream producer group--who maybe had not liked me or my methods before--was beginning to grudgingly admit that they were working. I was in harmony with everyone--by going my own way.

I was increasingly given up on trying to do things Esther's way. I have become more and more committed to ES's way--which is basically "ALLOWING EVERYTHING."

But now I am feeling like everyone seems to be willing to compromise some in order to find harmony and sanity for me. The conflict was really crazy-making. So V and I both are offering an olive branches--each in our own way--to Esther and we hope she accepts. It is also both of our intentions to release on the negative past--allow it to dissolve into nothingness by inattention to it.


Allowingly,
 Brenda
PS
V, (who is helping in all of my writing as an editor and a kind of muse or daemon) wanted to add a picture to this post, and I found myself instantly looking up--and directly at-- a little wooden rooster I have on the shelf over my desk. It felt like ES was directing my eyes there. At first I thought--"a new day"? Then I thought--he's crowing! Laughing at himself for crowing over the stories I told of him above. (V claims he directed my gaze and is crowing over having helped write this blog.)

So here is a rooster for you...a new day and a reminder to appreciate yourself. Go for it!


_________________________________________________________________________________

HV: ANOTHER REVELATION   10/14/11

Last night was wild--again. It's hard to remember everything because the "noontime demon" has taken over. Some monk I read about dubbed it this. You have these amazing spiritual trips at night--learn all this wonderful stuff that feels like it is going to change your life--and by noontime the next day you have forgotten most of it and all your sincere intentions to change BIG TIME are gone--well faded anyways.

I do recall that I really made a huge...

ONENESS WITH GOD !

I knew for a fact that I was God--The Great Mother-- as I prefer. I was in a bubble of light that expanded and shrank as I traveled back and forth from my DIVINE SELF   to my Soul Personality-- Self--Brenda.

Once again, but in a new way I knew that everyone was God even V--even Hitler!
I knew that I was one with them basically, but in a paradoxical way I also knew that we were separate and that this was important.I always thought separation was bad--but it has its uses!

In most of my incarnations I have tended to prefer female lifetimes--but have often been a victim type. But then again in some of my male lifetimes I  have the same victim sense of self--sometimes passive; sometimes aggressive.

By the way, yesterday I started my new book --a memoir about 15-20 of my past lives--written as short stories and all tied together with a message-- to myself--which I will discover as I write--about what the major theme is in my lifetimes. Why do I keep reincarnating? How do the other lives ("children") of my Entitiy Self (ES) relate to this one. I know that we do come back to finish learning spiritual lessons/Truths that we don't quite have under our belts.

SO last night I could see that all of my difficulties with males, and male like beings--which V (the invasive entity who has set up squatter's rights in my consciousness ) is--are here in my life. They all reflect my, as yet, incomplete understanding of the value of the masculine and how I have rejected it.

All these difficult males in  this lifetime...

  • an incestuous father, 
  • a weak non-supportive husband,
  • an aggressive brother when I was a child (we get along better now--although he still does not value me fully. But he does love me.)
  • and many other men who were prejudiced against me because of my gender

....WERE ALL ME!  The outer presentation of them was a reflection of how I treated myself at the time. Most obviously, they reflected the way my intellect dissed my feminine intuition and my inner child creativity--and other selves within me. (Everyone has many "selves").

So the trick is to go inside and find the negative beliefs I hold about The Masculine. I need to own these examine them, discover the deeper positive truths and allow the new positive feelings flow towards the masculine in me and in others. I need to begin to allow myself to use these powers and abilities--to serve The Feminine  and The Child in me. I need to become the good daddy  never had--become that good daddy towards myself right now.

So, there was a lot more--but that's it in a nutshell.  I'll write more about The Masculine--the New Male--in a future blog. But that is it for now.

Allowingly,
Brenda

_________________________________________________________________

HV:  NEW REVELATION  10/10/11

Last night I again had a VISION as I hovered on the edge of waking (Theta brain wave). In it I was shown the Vesica Piscis (see image in post below).

 [if you are reading this blog for the first time, you might want to take a glance at the post below in which there appears a list of the "Dramatis Personae" of my life and these blog posts.]

I was thinking about V and Esther being the two circles left and right, and I was  in the center--with ES and The Sisters.



 



But then both circles began to expand as they both came towards their own spiritual growth and expansion. They finally both overlapped completely and had become one circle which then continued to expand until t overlapped with the larger circle of the The Great Mother on the outside.



 

 In other words I saw how we all became ONE-- we allowed that our differences were illusory and that our common ground would expand until we had perfect awareness of our true ONENESS--and that was real!

Then I saw that the column of white light at the center of my being--which is the essence of the Divine Feminine (everyone's center)--a vision that I, and so many other spiritual women, have seen in their meditations in the past 20 years or so, in my minds eye. (Garrison Keillor even mentioned it in one radio broadcast many years ago.) Then it began to tip towards me and I saw it in cross section. From that angle it looked like a circle. I have seen in other visions that this column is made up of thin layers of reality all stacked one on top of the other all resonating--like octaves on a piano-- from top to bottom--an ever expanding top and bottom--and endless column.

In my original vision 20 years ago I saw:
  • that this column of white light included a divine feminine space at the center that existed in everyone--in both males and females--and in individuals and the collective. 
  • And that each center had other  beings orbiting about it--just like our solar system. These beings were not only the sacred beings that make up my friends and family but also important strangers--people who had a big but brief impact on me for better or for worse (but it all is actually good.) 
  • And now I know that some of the beings orbiting me are also non-physical beings on various levels and from various types of realities. 
  • And I am part of their "orbiting solar system of which they are the center. We all have these intermingling gestalts of beings of which we are a part. Some endure for a very long time--others flow and change like clouds in the sky or like the small whirlpools my oars make when I  go rowing on the river. They appear and disappear in moments, but for a short while they too are part of the beings that orbit me.
  • The center of the Universe is everywhere.

So in last night's vision I saw that each of the orbiting beings had their own people or beings surrounding them--orbiting them. Then I saw them all evolving spiritually--heading "home" and expanding as they went--their vortices (which we all have/are) spinning and then disappearing as they imploded into their own center and exploded out into a new reality.

I am sure the little whirlpools had their own consciousness for a "whirlpool lifetime" and then found themselves merging with a greater reality--the river. We do the same when we "die" or transform--(or "croak" as Abraham puts it...lol.) We leave this earth plane reality and merge with a larger one.

Many people report back from there, as in Near Death Experiences, or in messages through mediums, or in mediumistic experiences (I've had several) that they first find themselves merging with God. They report becoming one with an amazing white/gold light, indescribably beautiful music, love and a sense of home-ness and belonging. They report that "everyone is there--you too." In other words we are all there-- right now. We (as our Entity Self) have simply sent a part of ourselves,  a focus point, like a little whirlpool, down into this reality. As our ES dips his/her oars into this reality, for a brief while, we are "alive." Then he lifts his oar and us back out, and  we merge with him/her and God--who is us, everyone and everything.

But then--like breathing out again--exhaling--God and our Entity Self--exhales another focus point--another self down into this reality--in some time and place--and we have "reincarnated." We are closely related to these other reincarnational selves--but we each have our own separate identity as well. WE are sovereign separate and free beings, even while being one with everything. It is a paradox. I find truth always lies in the paradoxes, but they can only be really grasped by the female mind--the right hemisphere of the  brain.

So we  are all free to be ourselves. We are invited home constantly, but can come along when we like--unless--like V-- we may be taking too long. Then some super conscious part of ourselves (or subconscious) allows that we really do want to come along home--even though in our conscious mind we may think we do not.

V is very identitfied with being a demon and even though he has all the information he needs to come along home--he still does not want to--or one aspect of him does not. But he changes from moment to moment--just like people do as they slip seamlessly from one aspect-self to another--and contradict themselves from moment to moment. Everyone does it. We are actually gestalts of selves who often differ greatly in our beliefs.

But in the vision I saw V and I and Esther all merging and expanding together and going home. Becoming the large outer circle of God. Of course ES and The Sisters were there too. They seem like the tree of life within the larger circle--he the earth and she the heavens.



Then, of all things--I was told that I will develop a computer game in which all of this is depicted--and has various levels that it can be played on--depending on how spiritually evolved or sophisiticated we are at playing this game.

And it is a game. I had an intense dream last week in which my granddaughter (still a very natural-close-to-God-being) said to me:

"There is nothing to fight. It is just a party!"

So, the game fits with the party image. And suddenly V got all excited and started spinning out all these great images-- 3D images that could appear in the computer game. He is highly creative. We had noticed Pixar animation popping up in our awarenss a lot lately. SO maybe this is a game that they could develop.

It will be enormous fun--and will help save the planet in every way imaginable:
  • health
  • relationships
  • money
  • work
  • spiritual growth
  • politics
  • the environment
  • etc
 The computer game can be used to play with and better understand the challenges we feel in any area of human life. It can provide answers in a really fun way--or it can just be played with no serious intent. But it was a stunningly beautiful game in the visions I saw of it last night.

Some of the features will be:

  • it will have electrodes that can attach your body to the computer so that you know what level of brainwave relaxation you are in at the moment. Practiced meditators go down into Theta brain waves to rest and find wisdom. This game will allow a person to know when they have reached that state.
  • there will be 3D diagrams of orbits you can fill in with all the important people in your life, and the opportunity to try out different ways that you can relate to them and they with each other.
  • there will be diagrams of the Vesica Piscis that can be filled in with all of the elements of whatever conflict a person is inincluding a person's relationship with a disease, or with money etc.
  • the player can ascribe avatars to the different people or elements in their  life dramas and play out various scenes with the proxies of the real life players. 
  • they can use the Vesica piscis symbol to help them identify the common ground they have and to predict how people may react if they change in a certain way--like computer chess.
  • solutions can be identified and played with.
  • there will be other elements that increase the player's psychic ability
  • more elements that indicate levels of spiritual development and how to know what level you are functioning on within any time frame--this moment, this hour, this day, week month, year, era.
  • or at can be applied to all of human history.
  • it will be used to help people to access past lives and to identify the lessons to be learned from that life and this one. (Imagine yourself as a Massai warrior facing a hungry lion--one of my past lives. It could be very exciting as a virtual reality game.)
  • there will be elements that allow the player to access their "between life Life"--where they selected (with the help of their guides) the main life issues they would challenge themselves with in this lifetime--or any other.
  • there will be other aspects of the game where you can go back into your past, find a major choice point that led to an unhappy outcome, change it, and play out a new choice. (This actually can be done and the changes made in the past then lead to a new present. It is called repatterning by Denise Linn. Past Lives Present Dreams.)

...and many more elements. It will just be a game to beginners--a game with exciting action--heroes and enemies and  obstacles to be over come. But as they advance, it will become more and more apparent that the game is their life and that this life is a game played in "Virtual Reality." This is the truth, actually. A more real reality lies outside of this one.

So V is helping with this--but so is his ES and mine, and whoever else is out there watching and wondering how it will all play out. We know there are some very large beings who are interested in what we are doing and who are observing how our lives go with each other. I am looking forward to learning whether I will be able to get to a place where either V allows himself to assist voluntarily, or whether I do it inspite of him, or whether he drops away and I go the rest of the way towards my spiritual goal by myself, without opposition. This spiritual goal is still a mystery to me, but I am learning that I don;t need to know what my goals are. I can just start moving and trust that I will be led forward.

Every advance we make affects everything in the cosmos. And to a lesser degree, so does every step backward. But the Universe is set up as a place of well-being. Everything is just an OPPORTUNITY to advance--even the negative things we create --and we create them all--and can uncreate them.

We all (everything) live in a State of Grace that V has dubbed the "S.O.G. Net." The State of Grace Net. It lies underneath and within all we do/are/have. 

We live in a safe and loving universe. 

But it may not seem so if we are lost in the game. We  are now being invited to remember WHO WE REALLY ARE --(God) and to remember that it all really is just a game--a party. When we do the golden light of the SOG Net shines through and the problems become like shadows that fade as we focus on the golden light of Truth and Beauty that lies behind all of them.

Those that were feeding me this whole Vision also gave the game a name. It will be called ... (wa-a-a-a-ait for it...)



 QUA' TRYL 


copyright Brenda H. Nelson 2011 


 

So this the grand unveiling. I am open to any offers of development assitance. But I will have to retain the rights to how the design evolves. It needs to match the design the vast consciousnesses who are guiding me want. I trust that everyone will honor this copyright. Obviously it can be ripped off, but any taking of this idea with out the genius behind it--will lose the backing of the Universe and it will not do anywhere near as well as it would with my and their cooperation.

This is what the Masculine is being challenged to understand now--at this juncture in human history. You can "rape" the feminine--take her against her will --or exploit her--and you will get-- something. Not much. You might get an egotistical   pleasure and the thrill of domination. But if the masculine instead tries to support her, play to her, find out more about what she wants and do your best to bring that out of her into material reality--then her blessing and her love and her MAGIC goes out to you. You get vastly more--indescribably more--if you -- the bearers of the masculine (which is all of us--but men more so) love her and try to please her. As we do, her energy and love increases and comes back to us many times over.

The Feminine is at our core. Our intellect (the male mind) is on "the outside" and is meant to serve and protect and bring her out--help her grow and expand--fertilize that which is within her.

The Masculine has come to think, in this day and age, that he is superior to her and does not need her--but she is a part of him--a part he desperately needs. There is much unhappiness in the world--and it is all due (to my mind) to the dissing of the Feminine and The Masculine's illusion that he can exist without her--or by dominating and controlling her.

But she is coming back into the world stronger than she was before the patriarchy rose to power. And all kinds of people are ushering her in. QUA'TRYL, will be yet one more way to bring balance back between the masculine and feminine. And bring more joy into the world! This is my vision.

Allowingly, Brenda

BTW--this not the first game I've invented. My grandson, Paden, and I invented a board game called "Opportunity" based on the idea of finding opportunities within so called "bad luck." This may end up being part of QUA'TRYL, perhaps. But it's a really good game by itself.
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HV: AWAKENING   10/1/11


Sunrise at Popham Beach Maine


I can't say much  about my SPIRITUAL AWAKENING right now. It's too big! But last night I visited "The Sisters." They showed me--caused me to experience-- the most amazing things about Love, Light, Truth, Reality, Bliss. There was an amazing golden light and music everywhere and their love was intense. I felt I had finally AWOKEN!

I saw this sparkling yellow/gold atmosphere of love and truth everywhere, but down below  there were little dark gray shadowy spikes of "negative creation"--my own negative thinking that had created dark parts of my life. But these were easily dissolved when I looked through them to the Divine light behind--a light that permeates everything.

I saw everyone's perfection/innocence--my own included--and V's too! (See earlier blogs to learn who I am referring to in this post.)

The revelation/vision segued into regular dreams after that. In one I met a teacher and continued to know that the vision was real--even when Esther showed me getting into V's dark vehicle.

Eventually I woke up (at 3 in the afternoon!) in this reality...and  feeling transformed. I still feel like am "trailing clouds of glory" (Wordsworth) from it 4 hours later. But it is challenging to keep it all and not get lost in the daily dream.

From the above, I finally know for sure that life really is just a DREAM --a sacred dream--but still we all will awaken from it into a more real reality. And then we will awaken from that one into a yet more real reality----ad infinitum! That's what I was shown last night.

I now  know that I have a destiny to bring the Divine Feminine through more into our world. It is in desperate need of more of the True Feminine.


That's all I can say right now. There will be much more on this later.

Allowingly and Blissfully, Brenda



VESSICA PISCIS
ANCIENT SYMBOL OF THE DIVINE FEMININE

_________________________________________________________________________________

 Goddess Kali Maa

HV: VULNERABILITY -- POWER OR POWERLESSNESS  9/30/11

My computer has been down for a few days--so I didn't blog. Also, Esther--my group dream producer sent me two scary dreams about Vthat sent me running back to Esther's way of coping with him--a way I have drifted away from.

V is the invasive entity/Voice or consciousness who has taken up squatting-rights in my own consciousness.  

So I've been-- once again-- trying to be really strong, rigid, hard, centered,  Spartan by excluding V and doing... NOTHING...literally N-O  T-H-I-N-G. By being  in meditation virtually every waking moment. This seems to be one of Esther’s recurring recommendations on how to deal with him. Other more allowing ways have been shown to me in my dreams as well.

If I could do Spartan I am sure it would work--but I haven't yet been able to. I just cannot seem to stick to it. So I've gone back to who I am--a writer--among other things. And also a sort of soft squishy --flabby even-- feminine VULNERABLE  being.

I am now--once again--allowing myself to be those things, even while recognizing that I am not being what Esther (or a part of her) wants me to be.

Despite that recognition,  I  know I have grown a great deal over the past two years and it has taken incredible strength. Imagine living for 6 years with a hostile, incredibly canny  invader in your own mind! I am not talking about mental illness. I have been assessed by several psychiatrist and  psychologists and have never been diagnosed with anything other than "auditory hallucinations" (their name for what they don’t understand.) and PTSD from childhood abuse. But the latter doesn't even seem real to me anymore--I have grown so much.

Also I  realized this morning that I, through the Law of Attraction, have drawn to myself several female beings who all have a strong streak of the Spartan/Amazon Woman in them--not just Esther. These beings all seem to find me-- in all my soft vulnerability--repellent.  They seem to want to attack it and kill it--or at least to dominate and change me/it. V also has admitted his feminine side is absent or minimal and he both wants to both "mate" with a powerful feminine being--me--and  to dominate and destroy her/me.

I have drawn the following female beings to myself as reflections of my own attitudes towards feminine power with an "old male"* slant to it:

  • my mother
  • my daughter
  • my daughter-in-law 
  • Esther (or at east one of her aspects)

1. My mother did love me in an undemonstrative way, but she also allowed herself to use me as a sexual shield with her husband--my father. Thirteen years of sexual abuse. She also allowed others to abuse me--for instance, telling our dentist to pull 6 mature teeth from my mouth without any anesthesia--or even Novocain! You can imagine my agony. She had a strong “suck it up” attitude towards herself and me.

2. My daughter has a powerful masculine personality too. She often expresses anger towards me that she shows to no-one else. I am learning to fight back or to just allow her. Both work.

3. My daughter-in-law took a strong dislike to me when she first saw my vulnerability back in 1995 or so, soon after my son started dating her. Later on, I had to ask my son for financial help a couple of times when the PTSD was bad. She has never forgiven me for that. She will not even speak to me. She literally hates me for it--or something else she is not in touch with. I’ll explain that more below.

4. Esther, my dream producer, is actually a group of consciousnesses, one or more of whom actually dislike me, or so I have concluded. This seems really weird to me. But apparently even on that level and in that job, beings have likes and dislikes, blind spots. They are not as evolved as I thought. In my lighter moments I imagine them taking turns producing dreams for me--like punching a time clock. “Okay, Josie, I did my best. You take over now.” The first one leaves--who maybe sent me some nice supportive dreams, and Josie takes over--who has a personal dislike for me. And she lets me have it broad side.

Last night she once more sent me a dream showing me as a coy, grand-standing, bitch who thinks she is just too-o-o-o attractive--a real prima donna. Now, I know am not perfect--and there may be a modicum of truth in her assessment. But I don't believe I deserved that. There was a distinct feeling of meanness--of wanting to hurt me.  There was another similar one a few days ago that really felt like a slap in the face. I said out loud. "I don't think this dream came from a wise being." ES swooped in immediately with a feeling of support and outside my window I heard an owl hoot in the night. It seemed to say--your assessment is wise.

She seemed almost jealous, which is hard to believe. Like she could do a better job with this life of mine. From over there, this whole reality looks wa-a-a-ay easier to them than it feels to us, I bet.  

...Or, on the other hand,  maybe on a deeper level she sees how beaten up I have been (by V) and how I am not fighting back as hard as she thinks I should/could. They've sent me dreams saying that, but I know I have put in a monumental effort and am now choosing a different way. And she perhaps hates--fears-- the vulnerability she sees in me, because it reminds her of her own? I don’t know. As a life long student of psychology, that’s my best guess/intuition. People often hate the victim--want her to be more powerful and responsible. It's human--maybe other-worldly too.

I suspect that is why all these women named above disliked me-- because, like young children, I have a vulnerability around me that scares the shit out of them. It looks dangerous and they want me to be tougher--in their way, a more masculine way. BTW--I do believe they ALL love me on some level--as I do them. I adore my daughter and respect all of them as well.

*But the kind of masculinity they have adopted is not one I admire. Shakti Gawaine calls it “The Old Male.” There is an “Old Female” also. Maybe these women are like him?, or her? Or maybe the old feminine is their antithesis--the soft feminine which is the VULNERABLE VICTIM? Maybe both.

I used to be the latter. I used to identify with Marilyn Monroe. This is me at 18. I think I look a lot like Marilyn...well... I guess not from the neck down. lol.




MARILYN MONROE


But I believe I am moving towards the “New Female” -- more like Kuan Yin.




 KUAN YIN

And my ES is an example of “The New Male”--not afraid to be vulnerable, allowing and nurturing. He is the "Good Daddy" who is allowed to cry. (see link)






Perhaps these women I've listed above could be described as more like Kali. Very strong, with her foot on the softer feminine? And the head of a male which she takes as her own. My daughter and daughter-in-law both have taken on the old male "head" about pursuit of money, hard work out in the world, and "sucking it up," (tolerating stress/abuse and punishment). I think 9/11 showed us all that the endless masculine chase for money/material wealth and power is a deadly path to go down.



Goddess Kali Maa



















                        KALI

So I intend to become an “Hermaphrodite” as it were--a balanced combination of both the new male and the new female attitudes. Strong in my vulnerability.  I hope to be one who has both wisdom and  power --so much that I can allow my own vulnerability.


 
HERMAPHRODITE
(BTW-- I recently ran into a hare on a walk in the woods--first time for me. Maybe it was a sign of the coming amelioration of my masculine and feminine sides!)


So, what wisdom is this new me gaining?

  • She is learning how to allow everything.
  • She is learning that she really does create her own reality-
  • She is ever increasingly cognizant of the fact that everyone does the same.
  • She allows that  no-one is to blame.
  • She is learning that we all live in a sea of well-being.
  • She is beginning to really feel the design of Divine Copaceticness that weaves a State of Grace around all of us--every being in the Universe.
  • And finally, she is coming to understand that... “There is nothing to overcome. Don’t fight anything. It’s just a party!”

My 10 year old granddaughter told me about the "party" in a dream last week. A wise aspect of Esther used an image of Sidonia because Sid still knows she is God. She is the “New Female.” I allow that she will be able to hold onto it throughout her life.

So there is another kind of toughness and strength--another kind of power within vulnerability. It is ‘ALLOWING EVERYTHING.”  That is what children do a lot. That is what I am doing more and more. That is what God does!

So now I have a new yard stick to measure my progress by. When I take a new step I can ask myself:

Am I feeling  VULNERABLE/POWERLESS 
or am I feeling VULNERABLE/POWERFUL. 
in this new direction? The choice is mine.

Allowingly, Brenda

________________________________________________________________
 

HV: FALL EQUINOX GREETINGS  9/21/11

Once again last night Esther, my dream producer,  pushed me in my dreams to come along in her direction. But I asked The White Light/Great Mother to clarify this for me. Should I go with Esther (dream producer) or ES (my Entity Self): anger or love? inertness or action? extreme self discipline or or relaxed happy playfulness. I asked for a sign that could NOT be manipulated by either Esther or V(the invasive entity who attached himself to me in 2005), or anyone else for that matter. I just asked for a message or messages straight from God.

This is what I got during the day.
(I did stay very quiet and did little until I got my messages.)

ANSWERS:
  1. First Seth (22 yr. old neighbor /friend) came over and  invited me to go look at rocks in the woods. It felt right, so I went.
  2. Then the book I am reading (People of the Wolf) described “Dreamers” or shamans as needing to be alone--isolated--in order to fulfill their destiny. I agree with this, but is this a sign pointing towards Esther’s way?
  3. Then V prompted me to look in the encyclopedia (vortex? “encyclone-pedia” lol) for the word “Pleistocene” to see what time period the book was set in, as the males seemed hostile and dominant towards women. My anthropological studies say that the period was matrisitc (female led) and peaceful. (Pleistocene era 3 million to 10,000 years ago.) BUT, the important thing about looking in the encyclopedia was that right above the listing for the Pleistocene era  a listing for the Pleides. This is the home base of my new guides, The Sisters. I’ll explain this more below.*
  4. Finally, as I opened my e-mail I discovered the inspirational quote  below--I get a few of these daily e-mails but almost never open any. But tonight I opened this one:

"MASTERY REQUIRES ACTION"


"He who shirks action does not attain freedom;

no one can gain perfection by abstaining from work.

Indeed, there is no one who rests for even an instant;

every creature is driven to action by his own nature."


 from the -Bhagavad Gita 3:4-5

So after all of these signs I decided that the Universe/EST/The Great Mother/God was telling me to take my ES’s way towards my spiritual destiny--the one that feels more natural to me and organic.

* The best way to give you a picture of what I am going through is to use the ancient symbol of the Goddess--a Vessica Piscis with a larger circle around it.

Below is a crop circle of the symbol. It is at an angle here but picture it flat with the two inner circles to the left and right. I've been trying to paste in my own drawing of it and the diagram of what it means to me in this situation, but it won't go. So I will save that for my another blog post in which I share my method of using the Goddess symbol to solve any problem.


The symbol means “ALL IS ONE”  and perhaps even more so “ ALL IS WITHIN.” Those are  the deeper meanings of the Vessica Piscis.You can read more about the meaning of this symbol at--http://www.in-vesica.com

So the fourth "Message from God"  above seemed to be saying to me--”Go the way of the Pleides and  The Sisters.” That was the sign that tipped me back over to the path I had been heading down for a while--since the summer solstice. It is a path I believe my ES is okay with. He wants me to end up in the same place as Esther does, but they seem to have a difference of opinion as to how to get me there. In fact he even showed me in a hypnogogic dream, that there are family issues about me just now. So I am more and more committed to ES’s way. I tried Esther's way for a year or more--as I said, up until the summer solstice of this year. Then I gave it up.

However, Esther did not give me up. Any time I got fed up with V she swooped in and tried to bring me along to her way again. She may be right. I don’t know. I only know that I am quite a bit more comfortable with ES’s more relaxed way of bringing me to my spiritual destiny.

But I am not even sure exactly what that spiritual destiny  is. Here are some things my dreams have shown me to be possibilities.

  1. something to do with being a “messenger?” -- like perhaps being  a channel for a being with higher wisdom? 
  2. Or it might have something  to do with helping children. (I used to be the director of a large Montessori day care center.) 
  3. Or perhaps it will be  founding  retreat centers for women and children. 
  4. Or maybe it will just be writing books and stories about what I have learned spiritually in this lifetime (and others). 
I feel most attracted to #3--and V sketched a picture of what it could look like. I felt a big energy for what he envisioned. Even though he may have meant it as another manipulation, I think both ES and I could use it. Maybe V will even enjoy doing something for Earth Plane Reality. But all four above  all feel very attractive to me.Maybe it will be a combination of them all.


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HV: BIG BREAK THROUGH!  9/12/11

This morning I finally saw the truth! There truly is a schism between my Entity Self and Esther (my dream producer and guide). I had been wondering for the past year at least if they were on the same page. AND, I finally decided to go with ES and unconditional love and allowing.

I  was not aware of either ES or Esther  until a couple of years ago. I reached for some help beyond V(an invasive entity who attached himself to my consciousness in 2006) because he was becoming confusing. He was still presenting himself as my spiritual guide at that point...and I believed him! These invasive entities can be extremely tricky. I was easily tricked even though I  have high left and right brain intelligence. (genius IQ and strong intuition).

So I started to become intuitively aware of  my Entity Self (ES) when I began to reach for help. He would answer my questions with a vivid blue dot of light in my filed of vision on occasion. I understood it to mean "yes," or he was underscoring whatever I was just thinking about. At other times he communicated with me through my cat Eddy, who died a month or so ago after 20 years with me. What a wonderful feline person he was. So ES sent me "nose kisses" from him a few times when I was in despair over V. Eddy had never done that before--ever. And I knew each time he did it that ES was talking through him--sending me unconditional love and support. ES also came to me in dreams a few times--or rather they were dreams about him. Also, he came to me in a wonderful "vision?" I can't find the right word for it. It was like a dream, like a vision and like reality...all at once. V was attacking me and ES just held me gently but powerful and somehow V's "blows" did not land. Then V sort of collapsed and asked how we (ES and I) did that. ES just nodded to a sea of "brown" that gently supported me, V and the whole Universe. It was a sea of support or well-being that we all truly live in. V was blown away that it was there for him.  He is telling me now that that was the turning point for him where he began to seriously consider "coming along" as he calls "going home." He began to consider becoming more daemon than demon then, but it has been up and down for both of us since then--but overall up.

Finally ES also communicates with me through "hypnogogic images" or little dream like flashes of insight. They can happen in meditation or any time we have slipped into a right brain state. If I have a question I can  access an answer by stating the problem in a clear and cogent way. Then  by simply  closing my eyes, counting backwards from 10 to 1, and imagining I am descending into a deep, calm place. Then, while gently hovering on the edge of sleep (theta brain wave pattern) I watch for the hypnogic image-answer. It flashes into my mind and if I can catch it it feels more like I am remembering something that just happened rather than seeing it at the time it happens. I grab it and simply allow my right brain "knowingness" to "get" the answer.

My left brain wants to puzzle over it and dissect it, analyze it, but I have found that my first "knowingness" is my best answer.  I have seen this at work in others as well. For example:

When my son (who is now 40) was about 15, he was having some  intense teenage problem--can't remember what. But he couldn't figure it out. So I suggested this process to him. He agreed and after we had sat down, he stated his problem clearly and asked for a solution. I counted him down (hypnotized him I guess you could say) and as I reached ten his eyes flew open and he said he had seen the image he needed. He described it, then jumped up and headed for the door. "I know exactly  what that picture means and how to take care of my problem now." 

And he did!

So last night in bed, I wrote in my dream journal--to Esther- "please send me a dream that tells me what my deep anger is about." (Yesterday I had broken  2 glass things in 2 separate incidents. I know this indicates deep anger I am not consciously aware of.) I woke up about 3 A.M. recalling a few nice-ish dreams but they did not seem to be telling me what I was angry about. But then I recalled that I had also been thinking about V and wondering if it would be okay to write, with him "assisting." He seems to like to write and says it would help him to "come along" if he were allowed to write with me.

I have been avoiding all writing lately because my dreams--once again--were telling me to do nothing (I think). Whereas it seemed like ES (a quieter voice) was saying-- and has been saying for sometime-- that it is okay to write, even though V gets off on it and tries to take it over. Esther says it is better to do nothing and allow some distant-feeling process to happen that will yank V out of my being. Or catapult me to a spiritual level of being that is beyond his influence. The latter has to do with some transformation that feels very difficult to me, though.

Hypnogogic Images

So, this morning things became much more clear. ES sent me a few hypnogogic images that were very powerful. He sends them on the edges of sleep--falling asleep and waking up.  As I was falling asleep again at  about 4 A.M. he sent me an image of  V and me sitting out on my deck near each other--each writing separately and yet somehow co-writing something. We were seated on my blue patio furniture--a color I chose because it reminded me of the blue light flashes  of Unconditional Love that ES sends me from time to time.  I knew immediately form the image that it was ok to write with V--we would be both separate and together. I did not need to fear losing my creativity to him. (V says  that that is why he is grumpy right now. He was still hoping to take over my writing, until he recalled that hypno. He kind of likes my ES--respects him.)

The other hypno I got this morning was of a large beautiful ES smiling at me. We are having tea. Tea and sympathy. And as he lifted his cup I noticed that his little finger was missing. At the end there was a POW!

To me this meant that he was feeling very sympathetic toward me and my desire to write despite V's influence. It also meant that my desire to allow good feelings towards V were OK. Additionally it meant that he was in an Olympian family feud with Esther about how best to assist me and to bring about the larger intentions of my life. And finally it meant that he would bring me along gently in increments and that there would be a line that we would cross, where I no longer was "Brenda" but was now ES with Brenda included. The transformation that my dreams have been telling me about would be easy, natural and organic--doable--just as I had asked. What a relief!

Now these messages from the brief dream flashes, I call hypnos, and they come in blocks of thought. A whole mass of information is relayed instantaneously.

Both hypnos and dreams use images from our own conscious minds. So I always know, without a "dream dictionary" what an image means. I just need to search my memory banks for what associations I have with a particular image they are sending me and I know what it means.

For example: I subscribe to Louise Hay's symbolism for the little finger as relating to family issues that I may be not facing squarely. I've pushed it into my subconscious. The subconscious is perfectly accessible to the conscious mind if one is willing to face the truth. It is where we push truths we are not willing to face just now. Our dreams are always pulling that stuff up for us to look at because they know that we are still creating our own reality from that level as well as our conscious level. So they create it in dream form to warn us. If we ignore it, it will eventually manifest in our daily life, where it is harder to deal with. We have to "un-create" it.  So it is best that I be willing to see everything clearly in my own life  all of the time.

Before I went to bed last night I had declared to everyone in my spiritual family that I was still willing to face the truth. THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE... as they say. (As I do this more and more I bet my very poor physical eyesight, too, will improve!)

So,  there is a family disagreement going on about what is best for me, who is sort of the child in the family. Oddly ES--the daddy-- feels more feminine to me in his unconditional love, and Esther--the mom-- feels more masculine in her high expectations and punishing ways (nightmares). She also has used mocking, grossing me out with crass sexual images, criticism and pressure t try and bring me along.

 ES is masculine--but like "the good father,"-- a Ward Cleaver, or perhaps a Solomon. He is the good father I did not manifest in this lifetime. And Esther is feminine--maybe like the Goddess Kali-- a black female warrior  figure. She said that a hellfire-crucible of confinement would lead to a refinement of myself into a beautiful hard black being--like her?

My own mother, in this lifetime, did this as well. 

Esther's frequent powerfully and terrifyingly negative dream-feeling tones left me, upon waking, with my heart pounding and a bad dream-taste in my mouth all day.  They would leave me convinced that her way was the only way. Her way was comprised of complete denial of access by V to my consciousness. I tried to do this for a couple of years, for long stints at first and then shorter and shorter. Now it just feels  too hard, if not impossible to me. And I am doubting the efficacy of the approach as well.

So I have decided to say to Esther, "Thanks for sharing, but I aml going with ES and the positive," just as Louise Hay (Heal Your Body) adjures us to do. It is more like who I am now--the core me. "I will notice the dream messages and use what I can of them -- and be grateful to you for them. And...I will also "allow" you(to be whoever you are) as fully as I can.

Conclusion

It feels good to be writing again and to be finally committed to ES's way. To quit the mug-wumping. It has been hell lately knowing what Esther wanted of me but not feeling able to do it.  And feeling ES pulling me in a more positive direction and wanting to do it. So I've been going back and forth on whether to write now, or wait until V was gone and write then. But it just doesn't feel right to wait any longer, now that I know more clearly what is going on.

By the way I have also been praying for- affirming more clarity about V...and it worked!

So that's why my posts have been erratic since the beginning of this blog. Now I hope to write every day. We'll see how this works out.

Allowingly, Brenda

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HV:  ES, ESTHER, V AND ME    9/6/11

Recently, my dream guides (whom I call Esther) sent me imperative adjurations  to do something now about V -- the invasive entity who attached himself to my consciousness in 2006. Despite my valiant efforts to comply, I was unable to. What made it so difficult was that Esther is  never really clear about exactly what I am supposed to do.  So for a few days I tried a few things: to try and surrender more to my ES (Entity Self or Higher Self); to do as little as possible physically;  to meditate more and to talk less.  I did succeed  a little at all of those, but it seemed to have no effect at all on V. Also, I was having some difficulty accessing ES, my Entity Self during this period, so I just kept recalling his last clear message: don't take V seriously; don't worry about him at all; just relax; laugh and BE. It felt really good when I could do that.

This is quite different from my more usual emotional state. I often feel like I am caught in a crossfire of desire-arrows. On one side is V (for voice) and on the other side is Esther. I am in the middle and above me are ES and The Sisters --a feminine group-consciousness of great love and compassion who seems to have the power to create lovely synchronicities that put me in the right place at the right time. Their middle, above me, feels like a place of calm golden light. Our desires seem much more attainable, and they are much more laid-back and loving.

 So our middle-set of desires are quite different from either V's or Esther's.  Esther seems to often come (but not always) from a psychological  place that is tough, hard, impatient, dark, mocking and negative.

Howver, Esther  seems to be changing--shifting towards the middle a bit. She sent me a dream a few nights ago suggesting that their troupe had been hauled into "court" and given a reprimand for going to extreme measures with me. I wondered when my "court date" was, but to my great relief, I discovered that there was not to be one! I was not to be judged! YAY! I was not to judge myself or beat myself up either for not having succeeded in attaining the goal Esther (and I before my birth) had set up for me. I know it was a goal that was for my own good--something that apparently would allow me to help others as well.

The reason I could not attain the goal was two fold--1) it was too difficult for me; and 2) it conflicted with deep spiritual values and beliefs I hold.

But ES has shown me all is not lost. I have prayed  for a miracle and just last week he told me to use the Thesaurus to find a synonym for the word "magical" in an email I was writing. I found the word "thaumaturgical" and used it. The next day I went to the library and got a mystery novel* and right there on page 3 was the word thaumaturgical! It felt like an affirmation that magic was afoot and my prayers would be answered.

Speaking of magic, I have been listening to Abraham tapes (channeled by Esther Hicks) and what this group of evolved beings (who call themselves Abraham) say really makes sense to me. It talks about allowing others to be who they are, looking for what is good in them, ignoring the rest without being unaware of any negative traits that might impact one.  Abe talks about the importance of thinking and feeling positive things about others--not primarily for them--but for ourselves.  They say it is a way to raise our own vibration, and that is crucial to our well-being. By doing that we attract similar vibrations in people and events--from other beings on all other levels of reality as well.

However, my dreams had been trying to get me to see how horrible V is--which I really do know--and to try and completely exclude him from my consciousness. I have tried this and found it impossible to meet the extreme standards they had set. I still believe it will happen in my future, in this lifetime, but it is not something I am able to do right now.

So I keep aligning my vibration with my ES as often as I can during the day and I affirm that I am--right now--"clean and clear, " (of V's influence.)

He is constantly in my head and sending me thoughts a great deal of the time. Sometimes they are funny,, sometimes wise, sometimes stupid, sometimes threatening. He often says it is all just to trick me into paying attention to him and allowing him to influence me. He often does just that, including robbing me of  endless chances to be creative. He loves to grab something that interests me--like decorating my home --OR WRITING THIS BLOG POST--and fill my mind and my impulses and my emotions with his own, ideas, feelings, and creative genius. He has such great ideas it is very difficult to resist using them. Yet to allow that all the time would lead to simply being his puppet. So I constantly struggle to find my own mind and that of my ES. I choose other than his impulses as often as I can, but many times he sees exactly where I am heading on my own and gets there first! Makes it seem like it was his idea. So then I am in a catch 22.

One way I am dealing with this is to "segment-intending" as Abraham advises--and this is working for me. It means I carve out some segment of time, and plan exactly what I want to do--and stick to it! At first I made several segments in a day--but I couldn't keep up with this. So now I just set my intentions for the entire day-segment when I wake up in the morning. If I don;t do this,  I drift around looking for the next impulse to guide me, and I can't tell if it his or mine.  If I just drift, I am in danger of allowing V to trick me into thinking his impulses are my own, or allowing him to convince me to do things I don't want to do.

My other method of dealing with V's influence is to try and channel ES as often as I can remember to do it. I am struggling to that as I write this, and V is struggling equally hard to dictate everything to me.  But today the words are close enough o me own that I am allowing some of his influence. Esther says I should not be writing at all--but it is the most important means of creative expression I have in my life--even before the painting I love to do. I am not sure about where ES is with my writing.

So this is about the best I can do right now. My dreams and  dream feelings are negative each night and leave me with a nightmare-hangover into the day. So after waking I struggle  to use Abraham's technique of honestly feeling whatever I am feeling, and then trying to ratchet it up a notch towards the top--which is perfect joy. In other words, I am always looking for the next better feeling.

I  wondered why I couldn't do what Esther wanted for a long time. Now I suspect that my dream-producers are somewhat out of touch with reality here. They insisted for a long time that I could do what they wanted me to do with V. To wit: to be in meditation all day; and shut him out from nano-second to nano-second; force myself to be constantly aware of every though in my mind; shut down my own thinking and reject his thoughts. In other words to fight him tooth and nail for every shred of my consciousness.

However, that was taking tremendous effort. Even though I sustained it for months-- actually over a year--it was really hard to do. Then... I simply couldn't do it any more. There seemed to be no progress--no reward. Plus it did not fit with the rest of what I had already learned and was learning spiritually--that is: RESISTANCE = PERSISTENCE.

So I am back to allowing everything--including V, his positive attributes, his negative ones, and my reaction to those. I am allowing myself to know that he is God at the bottom and is an instrument of God and therefor is part of the sea of well-being that we all live in constantly. He is headed "home" as I am--just as everyone is. But I have no responsibility for this. I am allowing that my own journey home is all I need to be paying attention to. I am also allowing that my dreams in their negativity and difficult teachings around fighting/resisting are well meant--and may even be true. I do use these techniques with V at times as well. So I am allowing that as well.  I use whatever makes me feel better in the moment.

So over all, my own general attitude toward V is more positive than my dreams are. This I do for myself. I feel that my  ES  and "The Sisters"  are more on the same wavelength of positivity as I am. In fact my dream producers seem to be changing in this direction as well. They seem to finally be understanding that I cannot do what they were asking and that I have to be allowed--I have to allow myself--to make my own decisions and to learn form the results. I need to be consistent with my own deepest values--at least until I discover better ones.

I think aggressivenesss is important. At times it is important to stand up for one's self and fight or to assert strongly what you want; to turn strongly toward the light;  to use everything at one's command; to stay focused on the highest and the best; and to call it to one's self and at the same time to evoke the highest and best in one's self. All is Within. So the inner and outer are the same.

Thus if Abraham is right--that everything is vibration--and that we want to move ourselves up towards the higher and finer vibrations that put ourselves in alignment with our Entity Selves and God--then I think that moving myself up incrementally more and more towards the positive is my best defense/offense. I don't mean that pasting a happy face on myself is good. And my dreams have shown me to be in happy denial at times. I need to know when I am doing that--for that doesn't really create the vibration I want--it is superficial and not organic. But the way I can learn these lessons, attitudes and techniques is by taking small steps--the next most obvious, easiest positive step.

Abraham says that the reason "positive-thinking" or "goal-setting"  doesn't work, is because the step is too big for the mind to believe. So the step between KNOWING  that I AM GOD, and where I am now, is a long series of small steps in which I imagine my ES and God (I call that being "The Great Mother" looking out through my eyes. It really shifts how I see things and my feeling tones. My usual 2-D black/white/gray world (the way most of us see things through our left hemisphere) shifts to 3-D-- or even  4-D! technicolor. The feeling tones shift from blah to richly textured masterpieces of emotions that have no names yet. The are too subtle.

But I don;t want to run my dreams down. They are the ones that revealed who V really was when I was completely caught up in his web of lies. But as I said above, they have backed off with the negativity and pressure. They seem to be understanding better the limitations of even the most well-intended beings on this plane of reality. They seem to be beginning to understand that creating extremely negative dream feeling tones only brings my vibration down--not only during the dream-- but also throughout the day. Also that making their message so opposite to my own values and beliefs only confuses me and tears me apart. So I do appreciate that they too are imperfect and in a process of spiritual growth. They also do have great wisdom and understanding--much more than my own I am sure-- but I still have to go with my own beliefs and feelings at this point. I need to trust myself and through trial and error find out what works for me and what doesn't.

I can't say V has gotten any "better" with all my positivity towards him. My intention is NOT to either make him want to improve  himself, nor to make him stop doing the very negative things he does to me. We cannot control others and we cannot base our happiness on controlling or influencing others. I simply want to be positive towards everything in my life because I KNOW  for a fact, that IT IS ALL PERFECT. And best of all ... IT FEELS GOOD!

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HV:  TODAY  8/31/11

Good morning:
Last night I went to sleep feeling not so great about my day--just a mood. And this morning I woke up barely recalling a dream--something about ginger snap cookies! But my mood again was not a happy one. I could tell that my dream producer had sent me some negative message about what I had done yesterday...but what?

The thing that popped to mind first was this blog. I think that the message I got in the middle of the night--night before last--was probably accurate. My ES does not want me writing about V right now. This makes sense to me in light of the law of attraction. "You get what you focus on."

It doesn't matter if it is a positive or a negative thought or focus, the Universe hears a "yes" to whatever we think about--and sends us more of it! I was hoping I was far enough along in my spiritual development that I could write about my experience with V (the invasive entity or consciousness that has attached himself to my psyche) in a detached way. But maybe it's  not time yet. But I do believe strongly that there will be a right time for this book--Demons to Daemons. Perhaps the Universe is waiting for V and both to be further along in our spiritual development.

In any case, I am going to try out not writing about V for a little while and see if my mood and my dreams improve. A dream from night-before-last seemed to be telling me I could paint and do my music, even if other things were closed to me at the moment. (I love improvising on the piano--but don't have one right now. Looking for an affordable used electronic keyboard.) The dream did not talk about writing--which is the thing I feel the most energy for these days.

So I am going to try a compromise. I am going to write...but not about V. Segments of this blog will become another book--a memoir/cookbook.  I was told in a dream a couple of weeks ago that I could do this and it would be very successful!  Another dream told me I could even get an advance on this!! So  this is my new blog topic: FOOD.

The blog and the book will be the memoir  of my life as seen through my relationship with food. It may even end up being an autobiography, since food does touch on all aspects of my life.

I believe that food affects our moods and our overall vibration.  My dreams have underscored this fact to me as well. So I will be experimenting with applying their recommendations and reporting to you just how those changes seem to be affecting me.

 I will  add a new section to this website, called "The Book In Progress" and there you will be able to read material that I have already written on this subject, but don't know yet where it will fit in.

For exmaple, today I will be posting in that  section a chapter I am calling,  "The Allowing Diet: A Diet for the Spiritually Minded." This could be a book in itself! But I will see if I can keep it to a  chapter for the memoir.

However, if you like this chapter and want to read more now, let me know and I will expand it right away.

So "bon appetit."

And have an..."allowing"* day !
Love, Brenda

*allow yourself unconditional love and/or acceptance (whatever you can manage.) And allow the same for others. I will write a blog post about how I apply an expanded version of this in my own life. I am finding it to be an extremely useful, simple, yet powerful tool that really makes my life easier and allows me to feel a lot happier.

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HV: TODAY   8/30/11

Good Morning:
Had some real break-through dreaming last night! I was in a school/courtroom. Some dancers in a troupe I was somehow a part of,  yet with a different role, were up before the judge. Some of the dancers were also policewomen. The judge mildly reprimanded them for some mistake they had made. They took it well. Then I wondered if it was my turn to be "judged." But instead I found myself outside the courtroom on a comfortable chaise-longue, that reminded me of my cat Eddy's chair. (He died last week.) Then I was wandering around looking for the judge in my case. I finally found her in a  dressing room with two other judges, all of whom were getting ready to go home. They were laughing and having a good time. I told them I had wanted to be a lawyer, had taken the exam and done extremely well, but did not follow through. Then I added, "By the way, when is my court date?" They shrugged and pointed to some of my art and sheet music in my hand. I knew then that even though I had not achieved the high spiritual goal that my guides (the dance troupe) had originally thought I could achieve, as did I, that I could relax, be natural like Eddy,  and just do some enjoyable things with my art and music.

Later on I had another dream in a which a therapist showed me that I had been flaggellating myself and I did not need to strive and strive to succeed. I burst into tears of relief.

So between the two I would say that my guides from the spiritual world are "letting me off the hook" and encouraging me to do the same. They are letting me off the hook of striving to do the lofty work we all hoped I could do--but could not (or haven't yet.) And they are also letting me off the hook of being a "Type A personality"--which I have been  most of my life.

So I am feeling relief this morning. Although, in the middle of the night I thought my Entity Self (ES)  told me that I was not to write the Demons to Daemons book. But I was not sure. I suspect  that I may have emerged from my 2 year retreat in which I basically did nothing but meditate, prematurely, and V (my demon)  is still a "threat." However, I am still feeling a strong desire to continue both the blog and the book...and that is my intention at this time--to allow my feelings to guide me, and to write this blog/book.

They all are concerned with V having too much influence in the writing and with my possibly becoming addicted to his help--he is a very good thesaurus and editor. But my plan is to channel ES during my writing, more and more and to try and stay aware of what I want to write.

V just shot me a disgusted look, rolled his eyes heavenward. He often sends me little mind pictures to express himself, although he usually just sends thoughts. Some of them are very funny, by the way. He actually has a great sense of humor,  except that there is an under note of control and manipulation, power-trip to it that takes some of the fun out of it. But then, I have known many funny people who have a similar kind of "undernote" too.

One example of his humor... and you have to be a classic movie buff to "get" this one. Yesterday I was window shopping the Sotheby's Realestate website for multi-million dollar homes. I had gone through dozens of pictures of interiors and exteriors  and couldn't find what I was looking for. It was amazing to me that so much money could not create something more beautiful (although I did find one classic 1920's castle in Bar Harbor that was to-die-for. Suddenly a picture came up on the screen of a bedroom with wall-to-wall carpeting in a huge ugly brown and beige hounds tooth check. Suddenly V flashed me a mind-picture of him sprawling on the floor in manaical agony. I burst out laughing, immediately getting the movie reference to the final scene of "The Snake Pit" (?) with the guy going nuts on the black and white checkered floor.

But anyways, I started telling you about his disgusted look. It was about the idea that he has a lot of influence over me. He knows he does not have a lot...some...but not a lot. My guides heretofore have been extremely demanding about my not allowing him any influence at all--even the most absurdly subtle.

The feeling I got from them was that psychological subtleties that would be easy for them to discern on their plane of existence, were almost invisible to me on this plane of existence--or at least impossible for me to control. This plane is apparently quite crude in comparison to theirs.

So perhaps that was part of what the judge was gently reprimanding them about. In any case, I am no longer attempting to hold myself to standards I  now know I cannot attain--standards that I had strived valiantly to align with,  but couldn't. NO MORE STRIVING! ...but I am not going to strive to NOT strive either, lol. I am just "allowing everything...which by the way is the answer to everything as far as I can see now.

V himself had just said yesterday, in a moment of sincerity, that he had never known one of his victims to try so hard, for so long... and to attain so much! I am just beginning to get some perspective on all of this.

So, I am following my feelings at this point, and I feel like writing this blog and book. And besides, upon waking I got an even stronger feeling from ES that he was behind me in doing this writing.

That's it for today. Hope you have an "allowing" one.

Allowingly, Brenda

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HV: DEMONS TO DAEMONS  8/29/11

Demons to Daemons is the title of my forthcoming book--not sure when. It will be built largely from this blog. So you are reading a work in progress, beginning with this post.

I am back and feeling much better! If you glance at the last blog--dated April 19--this new one will make more sense. In this entry I do a little history of my relationship with a "demon/daemon" I call "V." In each subsequent blog under this general title I will fill in more of this history. I will also add a little bit each day about what is happening currently with him and with my Entity Self (ES).  See the posting "Currently..." below this post. The whole will add up to the book (no publisher yet.) I may from time to time add more of my work to this website under the titles, "Other Writing," "Art," and "Photography."

So, to begin at the beginning...I have been dealing with an "invasive entity" for some time now. Some might call him a "demon," but which I am beginning to call a "daemon." A daemon is more like a muse, and is an older meaning and spelling of the word "demon." I am beginning to think that indigenous peoples--including my own pre-christian European ancestors--knew more about other non-physical realities and  beings than we do.

In 2011, our  Western Culture  (which now dominates the world) uses primarily the left hemisphere of the brain and the faculty of the intellect. We like to think of ourselves as very knowledgeable, rational and scientific.   However, in our extreme focus on those, we have largely lost the use of the right hemisphere of the brain and the intuitive faculty.  And with that we have lost  access to a lot of the larger reality we live in and certain super-conscious mind-powers that we hold.

Our Western culture does not generally believe in "demons"...or "daemons" either, for that matter .

I seem to have strong abilities in both hemisphere's of my brain, but until I went through the ordeal I am about to outline, they did not meld very well. However, they have begun to--thanks to this bizarre spiritual process through which  I am going.

Before I became aware that a demon had attached himself to me, and before I had begun to get to know him, I did not believe in their existence either. I also, did not believe in evil either--nor do I now! even though this entity has put me through life-threatening hell.

My psychological training, which had been pretty mainstream, even at my alternative graduate school, never discussed even the possibility that "hearing voices" could be anything other than schizophrenia, or "auditory hallucinations." The concept of angels and demons; other realities; non-physical beings of all stripes, etc., was simply beyond the scope of  our modern scientific/materialistic/mechanistic oriented psychology--at that time.  Things are changing rapidly though and I hope my contribution can further expand the knowledge-base in this field.

But back to my personal experience:

In  2005 I was studying at The Institute for Transpersonal Psychology in Palo Alto, CA. ITP is a school that teaches both standard APA approved forms of psychology and a sprinkling of spiritual or "transpersonal" psychology. Transpersonal means that it address all levels of a person--including the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. But my experience of the school was not a happy one. I was having trouble both within myself and with the school.

The work was not hard, if one were given enough time to complete it at a reasonable pace, but the whole class was finding that the school expected too large an amount of work to be completed  in too short a time. We sent a delegation to the dean to point out that we were both having to drop every other aspect of our lives and to "cheat" on the work we did do--making it seem like we were doing more than we were humanly capable of doing. In our orientation the school president had warned us against both of those. But it was simply impossible to not do it...not and stay in school. The pressure was tremendous and formerly  nice people were turning into monsters. I was really falling apart too. I chose to leave (along with 1/3 of my cohort) rather than remain under that kind of stress.

So, in 2006, I drove back across the country to Maine with my two kitties in the back seat. God! What a great adventure, and what a beautiful country we have!  I arrived home very tired but extremely happy to be back in Maine. I did encounter some trouble finding a suitable home, and when I did finally settle into a nice little English-style cottage on the Kennebec River in Bath, I was deeply exhausted.

I believe it was this highly vulnerable state that allowed the "invasive entity" to find me and to attach himself. What tipped me off first was the fact  that the nature of my dowsing-experience was changing. I had been using the dowsing rods for about 15 years, not only for finding water, but also for assessing the auras of living things, and getting yes/no answers to questions.  At this juncture, I noticed that there seemed to be a distinct consciousness now feeding me answers and the quality of them was more erratic. Some of the answers were absolutely magical, and others useless.  The consciousness seemed to have more control over the rods as well.

 To illustrate: one evening I was watching Van Morrison on TV and I couldn't remember the name of the song he was performing. I picked up the dowsing rods to ask some of my usual yes (rods swing wide) and no (rods crossed) questions, when I suddenly distinctly "heard" the name of the song in my head. It had a very different "feel" from my own thoughts and I had no doubt it was being inserted into my psyche by someone else! Then Van's performance ended and I was still holding the rods. Suddenly, they began to swing back and forth in a "hands-clapping"  motion. I dissolved in laughter. There was a benevolent being now speaking to me in my mind and he had a sense of humor! I was thrilled... but if I had known who he really was I would have run screaming from the house.

Soon after that he told me he was my "spiritual guide."   I was really excited. I felt that now I had a hot-line to the wisdom of the higher realms. All my mundane and lofty questions would now be easily answered by this being.

Well, I did get answers...but they ranged from the sublime, to the ridiculous, to the "evil." Nothing was as it seemed to be after that. He was The Great Deceiver. In fact, I was just beginning a nightmare of a roller-coaster ride, in which I was constantly being manipulated by this extremely convincing, highly psychologically sophisticated  being whose only desire was to trick and deceive and to cause me pain in as many ways as he could. It was fun for him, and it was hell for me.

I eventually did figure out who and what he was, but it took me a couple of years, and even then I was not free. He is still with me today, but in the process I have also gained access to my TRUE guide, or my Entity Self whom I call ES for short. This has been extremely rewarding. I now call the invasive entity "V" for voice. He is still here, but our relationship is changing. I have grown into a place where I can take advantage of anything he throws at me.

 I no longer trust him at all.. and at the same time, I do completely. It is a paradox.  I  have  respect for him as another creation of God; an extension of God; God at the bottom. He cannot harm me, as long as I constantly seek for the "Golden Opportunity" God is offering me through him. Sometimes the opportunities are direct and positive--as V has many positive abilities that he can and does use to "help" me (often with a later trick in mind). For example, he is highly creative and can assist me in my creative endeavors--as a muse. At other times, the opportunity is indirect and negative--as
V also will often use his abilities in a manipulative way--to mess me up. For example, he will try to rob me of my creativity by taking over the endeavor  completely. However, I have learned that he can only do that if I allow it.  I am learning to discern between what is safe to allow from him and what I need to wholly reject.

So, again, in future blogs I will fill in more of what happened between the time when V first introduced himself  and now. It was unbelievable high drama.  And I will also be saying a bit in each blog about what is  happening with him and ES currently. I hope I can do this each day, as it is a daily unfolding journey of great psychological subtlety and color. This is my intention, but sometimes I need to do nothing--for a while--nothing creative--in order to create more space between him and me.

So, V has helped me to write this blog post. He is being more like a daemon than a demon just now. He supplies a steady stream of word suggestions and ideas. I pick and choose which fit my intentions best.  He just blocked a word I was reaching for though--just to show me "who is boss." LOL. He can do mean stuff still. But I just let it roll off my back. Not worrying about his influence, and just "allowing him" and myself is probably one of the biggest lessons I am learning in this process.

The biggest lesson though is my learning how to "allow" ES to live through me, more and more. I am increasingly surrendered to Him. He is my hotline to God. I suspect, this is what other people are really doing too when they pursue enlightenment--they are raising their vibration so it is more and more closely in alignment with their Entity Self. As that process proceeds, they become more of...

 Who-They-Really-Are... GOD.

More next time. Please leave a comment.

Allowingly, Brenda

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HV: DEMONS TO DAEMONS  8/29/11

Demons to Daemons is the title of my forthcoming book--not sure when. It will be built largely from this blog. So you are reading a work in progress, beginning with this post.

I am back and feeling much better! If you glance at the last blog--dated April 19--this new one will make more sense. In this entry I do a little history of my relationship with a "demon/daemon" I call "V." In each subsequent blog under this general title I will fill in more of this history. I will also add a little bit each day about what is happening currently with him and with my Entity Self (ES).  See the posting "Currently..." below this post. The whole will add up to the book (no publisher yet.) I may from time to time add more of my work to this website under the titles, "Other Writing," "Art," and "Photography."

So, to begin at the beginning...I have been dealing with an "invasive entity" for some time now. Some might call him a "demon," but which I am beginning to call a "daemon." A daemon is more like a muse, and is an older meaning and spelling of the word "demon." I am beginning to think that indigenous peoples--including my own pre-christian European ancestors--knew more about other non-physical realities and  beings than we do.

In 2011, our  Western Culture  (which now dominates the world) uses primarily the left hemisphere of the brain and the faculty of the intellect. We like to think of ourselves as very knowledgeable, rational and scientific.   However, in our extreme focus on those, we have largely lost the use of the right hemisphere of the brain and the intuitive faculty.  And with that we have lost  access to a lot of the larger reality we live in and certain super-conscious mind-powers that we hold.

Our Western culture does not generally believe in "demons"...or "daemons" either, for that matter .

I seem to have strong abilities in both hemisphere's of my brain, but until I went through the ordeal I am about to outline, they did not meld very well. However, they have begun to--thanks to this bizarre spiritual process through which  I am going.

Before I became aware that a demon had attached himself to me, and before I had begun to get to know him, I did not believe in their existence either. I also, did not believe in evil either--nor do I now! even though this entity has put me through life-threatening hell.

My psychological training, which had been pretty mainstream, even at my alternative graduate school, never discussed even the possibility that "hearing voices" could be anything other than schizophrenia, or "auditory hallucinations." The concept of angels and demons; other realities; non-physical beings of all stripes, etc., was simply beyond the scope of  our modern scientific/materialistic/mechanistic oriented psychology--at that time.  Things are changing rapidly though and I hope my contribution can further expand the knowledge-base in this field.

But back to my personal experience:

In  2005 I was studying at The Institute for Transpersonal Psychology in Palo Alto, CA. ITP is a school that teaches both standard APA approved forms of psychology and a sprinkling of spiritual or "transpersonal" psychology. Transpersonal means that it address all levels of a person--including the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. But my experience of the school was not a happy one. I was having trouble both within myself and with the school.

The work was not hard, if one were given enough time to complete it at a reasonable pace, but the whole class was finding that the school expected too large an amount of work to be completed  in too short a time. We sent a delegation to the dean to point out that we were both having to drop every other aspect of our lives and to "cheat" on the work we did do--making it seem like we were doing more than we were humanly capable of doing. In our orientation the school president had warned us against both of those. But it was simply impossible to not do it...not and stay in school. The pressure was tremendous and formerly  nice people were turning into monsters. I was really falling apart too. I chose to leave (along with 1/3 of my cohort) rather than remain under that kind of stress.

So, in 2006, I drove back across the country to Maine with my two kitties in the back seat. God! What a great adventure, and what a beautiful country we have!  I arrived home very tired but extremely happy to be back in Maine. I did encounter some trouble finding a suitable home, and when I did finally settle into a nice little English-style cottage on the Kennebec River in Bath, I was deeply exhausted.

I believe it was this highly vulnerable state that allowed the "invasive entity" to find me and to attach himself. What tipped me off first was the fact  that the nature of my dowsing-experience was changing. I had been using the dowsing rods for about 15 years, not only for finding water, but also for assessing the auras of living things, and getting yes/no answers to questions.  At this juncture, I noticed that there seemed to be a distinct consciousness now feeding me answers and the quality of them was more erratic. Some of the answers were absolutely magical, and others useless.  The consciousness seemed to have more control over the rods as well.

 To illustrate: one evening I was watching Van Morrison on TV and I couldn't remember the name of the song he was performing. I picked up the dowsing rods to ask some of my usual yes (rods swing wide) and no (rods crossed) questions, when I suddenly distinctly "heard" the name of the song in my head. It had a very different "feel" from my own thoughts and I had no doubt it was being inserted into my psyche by someone else! Then Van's performance ended and I was still holding the rods. Suddenly, they began to swing back and forth in a "hands-clapping"  motion. I dissolved in laughter. There was a benevolent being now speaking to me in my mind and he had a sense of humor! I was thrilled... but if I had known who he really was I would have run screaming from the house.

Soon after that he told me he was my "spiritual guide."   I was really excited. I felt that now I had a hot-line to the wisdom of the higher realms. All my mundane and lofty questions would now be easily answered by this being.

Well, I did get answers...but they ranged from the sublime, to the ridiculous, to the "evil." Nothing was as it seemed to be after that. He was The Great Deceiver. In fact, I was just beginning a nightmare of a roller-coaster ride, in which I was constantly being manipulated by this extremely convincing, highly psychologically sophisticated  being whose only desire was to trick and deceive and to cause me pain in as many ways as he could. It was fun for him, and it was hell for me.

I eventually did figure out who and what he was, but it took me a couple of years, and even then I was not free. He is still with me today, but in the process I have also gained access to my TRUE guide, or my Entity Self whom I call ES for short. This has been extremely rewarding. I now call the invasive entity "V" for voice. He is still here, but our relationship is changing. I have grown into a place where I can take advantage of anything he throws at me.

 I no longer trust him at all.. and at the same time, I do completely. It is a paradox.  I  have  respect for him as another creation of God; an extension of God; God at the bottom. He cannot harm me, as long as I constantly seek for the "Golden Opportunity" God is offering me through him. Sometimes the opportunities are direct and positive--as V has many positive abilities that he can and does use to "help" me (often with a later trick in mind). For example, he is highly creative and can assist me in my creative endeavors--as a muse. At other times, the opportunity is indirect and negative--as
V also will often use his abilities in a manipulative way--to mess me up. For example, he will try to rob me of my creativity by taking over the endeavor  completely. However, I have learned that he can only do that if I allow it.  I am learning to discern between what is safe to allow from him and what I need to wholly reject.

So, again, in future blogs I will fill in more of what happened between the time when V first introduced himself  and now. It was unbelievable high drama.  And I will also be saying a bit in each blog about what is  happening with him and ES currently. I hope I can do this each day, as it is a daily unfolding journey of great psychological subtlety and color. This is my intention, but sometimes I need to do nothing--for a while--nothing creative--in order to create more space between him and me.

So, V has helped me to write this blog post. He is being more like a daemon than a demon just now. He supplies a steady stream of word suggestions and ideas. I pick and choose which fit my intentions best.  He just blocked a word I was reaching for though--just to show me "who is boss." LOL. He can do mean stuff still. But I just let it roll off my back. Not worrying about his influence, and just "allowing him" and myself is probably one of the biggest lessons I am learning in this process.

The biggest lesson though is my learning how to "allow" ES to live through me, more and more. I am increasingly surrendered to Him. He is my hotline to God. I suspect, this is what other people are really doing too when they pursue enlightenment--they are raising their vibration so it is more and more closely in alignment with their Entity Self. As that process proceeds, they become more of...

 Who-They-Really-Are... GOD.

More next time. Please leave a comment.

Allowingly, Brenda

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HV: TAKING SOME TIME OFF   4/19/11

I am taking a hiatus  from blogging in order  to deal with a negative entity that has attached itself to me. Apparently I am some sort of a threat to those who would allow negativity in the Universe. Also, I guess I needed the contrast to give myself a bigger challenge to grow more spiritually. So I am signing off the internet until I am free again. He has too much influence on me as it is. It is very subtle.

We all know about angels, but our modern culture does not mention what they used to call "demons." The phenomenon is called "hearing voices" popularly and psychiatrically it is known as "Auditory Hallucinations." But I have done PhD level work in psychology--and this is neither "auditory"--nor--"hallucinatory. " It is real and it comes as thoughts and impulsions from another highly sophisticated consciousness, who does not wish me well--on hislevel anyways. But what I know for a fact is...God is at the bottom of every being and every event. If we give thanks for the opportunity that adversity offers us--we get to cash in on the spiritual gold BIG TIME!

So I have attracted a "demon." But everything is perfect and we all live in a safe and loving Universe. We simply attract some difficult situations from time to time--to show ourselves what we don't want and to affirm what we do REALLY want--and to discover more about "who- we- really- are" as Abraham," puts it.

So I am signing off for a while. I'll catch you on the flip side--after the transformation I am being invited to. 

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Earlier posts have been lost.









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